March 27, 2007: Anna, Sweet Baby Anna, Stop Me Before I Read More

It is my intention to never read or watch more about Anna Nicole Smith.

While minding my own business, I am overtaken by the tidal wave of announcements about her official cause of death.

I don't want to know, but I can't help myself. I turn on Entertainment Tonight, only to find that Mark Steines is....on vacation? Whaaaaat? You mean he extricated his nose from Howard K. Stern's ass long enough to take a trip somewhere other than the Bahamas? Now? Of all times.

Some 2nd string reporter gives us the lowdown about the accidental overdose, then says for more info we can find the full coroner's autopsy report online. Off to CNN I race. The details are mostly snooze-worthy, except for choice nuggets like:

• 7 drugs were found in her system. But no TrimSpa, people. However, officials found a can of Slim-Fast on the nightstand next to her bed.
• There are multiple blonde hair extensions including several pink strands attached to the natural hair, which shows light brown roots. Even in death, hair extensions live on.
• The toenails are short and clean. Girlfriend might have been deathly ill, but she had a pedicure. That, people, is true commitment to grooming.
  
• Tattoos: There is a pair of red lips in the right lower abdominal quadrant. Two red cherries are on the right mid pelvis. A “Playboy Bunny” is on the left anterior mid pelvis. The words “Daniel” and “Papas” are on the mid anterior pelvis region. A mixed tattoo on the right lower leg and ankle represents: Christ’s head; Our Lady of Guadalupe; the Holy Bible; the naked torso of a woman; the smiling face of Marilyn Monroe; a cross; a heart and shooting flames. A mermaid on a flower bed with a pair of lips underneath it laying across the lower back. Jesus, Anna was inked. Marilyn I get, but a tatt of Christ's head?
  
• The genitalia are those of a normally developed adult woman. There is no evidence of injury. There is evidence, however, of a vaginal life lived fully. Let's leave it at that.
  
• The anus is unremarkable. This, my friends, is called celebrity TMI.
  

Then a quick channel surf to Access Hollywood to see Larry "Not a Highlight Out of Place" Birkhead saying all he wants is his daughter. Predictable. Tell us the real reason you dumped your lawyer Debra Opri! What were you and Stern cooking up that made Opri bolt?

Finally, my last stop is Larry King. Virgie's family is sorry the Coroner's report doesn't say something Clue-ish like, "Howard did it with the candlestick in the ballroom while Colonel Mustard watched." Howard's lawyer says he's too busy denying vindication to acknowledge that it was a vindication. Larry's new lady lawyers, who look like Florida Romy and Michelle Twenty Years Later, appear baffled by the entire proceedings. Entertainment reporters add absolutely nothing new. Coroner Perper appears to add a final touch of dignity as he says, "case closed."

If you see me on the street, wave, but don't bring this topic up, OK? Don't enable me. I have to let go.