Celebri-spiral™: Enough Already

Our culture is in a celebri-spiral. We're conflicted over our ridiculous, growing celebrity culture consumption via magazines, websites, and TV shows. In 2007, my love/hate conflict made me take to the blog-o-sphere. All writing on this site © Dave Singleton 2009.

Monday, March 19, 2007

March 19, 2007: "I Hope I Don't Lose My Leg" on Dancing with the Stars

The TV commercial running for tonight's premiere of Dancing with the Stars has caused my latest celebri-spiral.

You know the show: 3rd tier celebrities twist and twirl their way back up the showbiz ladder on this bona-fide hit. The celebri-spiral commercial goes like this: magical stars in a woosh, the DWTS logo, and then a booming announcer's voice: On Monday March 19th, TV's sexiest show returns when Heather Mills will face the ultimate dancing test!

Cut to a close up of the one-legged former porn star skank now known as Dark Lady Mills, who looks at the camera and states in trashy faux-cockney: "Mah main concurrrrn ees keeping mah leg ohn."

Mills, who lost her leg below the knee in a 1993 motorcycle accident, is the first contestant with an artificial limb to compete on the dance show. She's grabbing for the Heather, Patron-Saint-of-Limb-Loss brass ring by telling interviewers that she's doing DWTS to get the word out: the limb-challenged can do anything. But she might as well wear a sequined t-shirt that reads, "We can shake our well-documented asses and even rip off ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, too!"

Mills and ABC are totally exploiting the shock value potential, which is why newbies like me, who missed previous seasons, will now watch. An online site is even taking bets (current odds are "no leg off"). The prepared-for-anything dark lady told Access Hollywood, "I've got a secondary spare leg just in case I overdo it on the foot and it breaks or something."

Good Plan B. But for those glorious 45 seconds when her fake leg shoots over Joey Fatone's head, past Ian Ziering's jazz hands, and knocks Leeza Gibbons wig off, I will be in bliss.

Yes, it's true I am biased. I've been in a celebri-spiral for poor beloved Sir Paul, apparently too polite to ask for a pre-nup from the skank, who's now taking him to the cleaners, airing his probably-fabricated dirty laundry along the way.

Tonight on ABC! An evil, accidental celebrity will be punished. Leg will fly! Wait for it!

17 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

I too am a virgin viewer of DWTS and am signing on this year simply to see Ian Ziering's jazz hands. Frankly, I am kind of hoping that Dark Lady Mills is the Sanjaya Malakar of this DWTS cycle. I propose that we begin a "Vote for the Worst" campaign just so we the odds of the Lady Macca performing a leg-fly are greater and greater....

Monday, March 19, 2007 10:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What I REALLY want is for leg to go flying and for her to hop around and raise it above her head, swinging it round and round.

Monday, March 19, 2007 11:14:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She's terrible, Muriel.

Monday, March 19, 2007 3:52:00 PM  
Blogger Dave Singleton said...

So the show just ended and here's what I say:

No leg shot over the moon. Yet. Y-e-t. But next week is salsa dancing and odds increase.

The DRESS. Heather, what were you thinking? This is not "cheeky monkey" night at London's Mexican fiesta. The HAIR. Hideous, frozen, laminated. The TEETH. Sir Paul's millions will buy you a grinder and a night guard. Bless.

Monday, March 19, 2007 9:12:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

All I could think of was that I was having flashbacks to the carol Burnett Show and this was Mrs. ha-Wiggins visiting the Rainbow Room...gag me!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 7:36:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

BTW...I love me some 90's cheese so I am pulling for Ian Ziering, but smart money is on that cutie Apollo Ohno for the finals....

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 8:03:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It wasn't great. She'll never make it to the 2nd leg of the competition....

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 9:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And in that divorce from Paul, she doesn't have a leg to stand on, either...

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Dave Singleton said...

I hate to say I am hooked. I think it's Joey Fatone winning by a nose....

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ok, I'll go with it...Apollo Anton Ohno will skate through to the finals....

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 11:21:00 AM  
Blogger liz said...

I agree. The dress and the hair were horrible. And she looked like she was hating every minute of it!

Also...I'm wondering whether it was completely necessary for her to have multiple legs strewn around for the cameras during their intro piece...I mean, can't she change the shoes on the leg she already has on? Is it really easier to change the leg than the shoe? Food for thought.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 12:32:00 PM  
Blogger Dave Singleton said...

Two days later, post the Larry King live interview last night, I am reconsidering Ms. Mills. A celebrity can be her own best defense, and Heather acquitted herself well, calmly and with humor. She might just win over America yet.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 7:37:00 AM  
Blogger Annie & Suz said...

Who's watching tonight? I am pulling for Clyde "The Glide" Drexler. Also imnpressed that Joey FATone is getting skinnier by the week! He attributes his 22 lb weight loss to the dance work outs...Where do I sign up for DWTS? Wonder what dribble will come out of Mill's Mouth?!

Monday, March 26, 2007 2:03:00 PM  
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