March 22, 2007: Today's Celebri-spiral Conspiracy Theory-The Case of Angie and People

What I am about to tell you is so scandalous, media-mad, conniving, and seemingly impossible for the competent-not- groundbreaking editors of People magazine to pull off that I want you to drive to the secret parking garage where Bob Woodward met Deep Throat. Yes, that parking garage, the Watergate one. It's in Arlington, about two minutes across from Key Bridge. It costs $6 an hour to sit there and listen but...what am I doing arguing with you about this? JUST GO.

Tick tock tick tock.

OK, are you there? Good, 'cause here's the skinny.

Angelina Jolie and People magazine actually plotted her ascension to sainthood in the last several years, eclipsing Mother Teresa and Mia Farrow at the same time, in exchange for exclusive access. People was conniving enough to woo Angelina's doctors/noted friends and write puff pieces about them so that Angie would give the weekly publication first dibs on exclusives per adoption, as well as updates on her and Brad.

Gawker broke this extremely important news with all the gusto of the vast liberal conspiracy's pursuit of evil Karl Rove and that Supreme Court nominee Harriet Myers, who looks like aging-actress-and-bi-polar-
medication-advocate-who-ironically-rose-to-fame-playing-twins-
on-TV Patty Duke.
Did you think your Brangelina family celebri-spiral was some random media accident that just happened to the universe, like a comet traversing the sky and landing on the Time Warner building? When it comes to People, think again, people. They are one step ahead. Feel manipulated much?

Are you all John Mellencamped out 'cause it hurts so good?