February 17, 2007: Blind Items Rehash: Whodunit?

I can tell when I've completely given into the dark side of my celebri-spiral. You know those times. The love/hate wrestling stops, and the celebrity dance begins. Instead of fighting the feeling that tabloids are dirty and wrong, instead you just go for it and:

1) Shamelessly read TMZ.com's coverage of Britney's shaved head, new tattoo, and eight misbegotten hours in rehab on Friday.

2) Dip into Mark Steines' ET mud pool, find out what the bodyguard really knows, and adapt my version of the Lord's prayer to read, "Give us today our daily coverage of Anna Nicole."

3) Let go of sneer to feel impressed by Posh Spice's ability to scout real estate while coordinating a striking new outfit every single f*ing day. I looked like hell when I was hunting for my home-the stress! It was all I could do to coordinate a sweater, jeans and Starbucks in the real estate agent's car without spilling. I am grateful that Team Beckham rolls into Los Angeles very soon.

But the true indication that I am in the grip of something heinous and biting is visiting The Little Known Blind Item Rehash website. Sure, sites like Gawker, Best Week Ever (a excellent show with a shout out to fabulous producer Ann Cohen), and Defamer all run blind items regularly. But no site aggregates them and posts anonymous, "allegedly" true responses.

Cut to the chase, people. Stop the guessing game. Go to the Costco of blind gossip and get your voluminous needs met now in this warehouse of low-brow efficiency.

I fault Jossip for these tidbits (in ital) that sparked my curiosity. They make you wish Nancy Drew and Hedda Hopper had their own reality show:

-Which pretty-boy British import dismayed his date when she caught him with his hand on another fella's behind?

I am going with Jonathan Rhys Myers. During the filming of Match Point, Scarlet Johansen said he was much more interested in shoe shopping than her breasts. You don't need to call in Matlock to solve this one.

- Which shaggy-haired rocker with a perky pop-star girlfriend has the nightclub circuit buzzing that he's been taking guys home with him late at night?

Ummm, John Mayer, didn't you tell Rolling Stone you bought gay porn? We thought you were joking but, hey, if you want to think my body is a wonderland, go for it. I need to be home by 2 A.M.

-Which famous athlete isn't as interested in women as his fans believe? He has been able to keep his sexuality under wraps, but the question is for how much longer.

The easy answer is Lance Armstrong. As much as I'd be fine with that, it's someone else who's on the DL, but slipping. One clue may be the word "wraps." It's leading me to boxing, wrapped hands, and perhaps to a certain metrosexual Spanish fighter whose eyebrows are a little too shaped, if you ask me. The other option could be the recently deceased Barbaro, rumored to be lame in more ways than one. His handlers say neigh, but I hear otherwise.

- Which recently ballooned Hollywood actor should probably be slimmer, considering how well-catered his parties are with cocaine? There's a reason he needs two glass coffee tables in his hotel rooms.

Fight it out between Tobey Maguire and Val Kilmer.