February 12, 2007: The Top 10 Lessons from Grammys 2007

There are lessons to be learned from every awards show. That's why it helps to approach my celebrity intake with a purpose-driven attitude (P-DA). This P-DA helps me overcome the sinking feeling that watching one more self-indulgent awards ego-fest is like climbing onto the water slide of my celebri-spiral.

So, for you and for me, in a moment of rationalization that outdoes Imogen Heap’s (pictured) decision to wear a garden in her hair and a Koi pond on her body, let me share my top 10 lessons (in bold) of what I learned from Grammy 2007’s big winners:

1. Mary J. Blige: Do not thank 55 people and God. Choose. She thanked everyone but the glue company who helps her fake nails stay on her fingertips. Then when you say your peace, don’t get all high school on us and say something like, “Tonight we celebrate the better human being because for so many years, I've been talked about negatively. But this time I've been talked about positively by so many people." Keep It Short and Don't Try to Right Your Teenage Wrongs.

2. Dixie Chicks: Just like Bush had the world's goodwill after 9-11 and blew it (which you then infamously spoke about), you had the chance to garner the world's goodwill by saying something smart, intelligent, and wise, send some love to your current fan base (me), and impress others, as your album did the Grammy voters. But, no. You had to act like brats. Natalie Maines had to stick her tongue out and quote The Simpsons. You couldn't get a cohesive thought out. The only thing you giggle out ("OK, I'm ready to make nice!") diminished your song and album title. If You're Known for Being Outspoken, Be Articulate.

3. John Mayer: If you’re going to date Jessica Simpson, don’t act so surprised when the media is interested. You’re way too pasty-faced to crack wise as you adopt a rat-pack pose. Demure and Deflect Personal Inquiries with Class.

4. Ludacris: Maybe he needed to clean his grill, but something made him snarl, "So y'all telling me, all I had to do was cut my hair to win a best rap album? Is that what y'all telling me?" Was something stuck in there? Forget to polish? As rapper Paul Wall, who also makes grills for clients T.I. and Big Boi, says, “Wearing a grill does not replace proper dental care and hygiene. The worst possibility is to have a dirty grill.” Clean Your Grill and Don’t Be Snarky.

5. Beyonce: To the left, to the left, all the weaves you own in a box to the left. Flawless hair is more important than staying on perfect pitch throughout your song. I saw no peakaboo “weavetracks.” Your hair moved thirty seconds after your body, as a good weave should. One point off for wearing a white flower that looked like an Elephant Man growth coming out of your head. Otherwise, Brava! Keep Your Weave-master Close. She is Your Best Friend on Grammy Night.

6. Christina Aguilera: Your voice is incredible. In the immortal words of John Lennon, let it be. You don’t have to perform vocal hystrionics to impress us. The war with Britney is over. You won. You don’t have to make press room comments like, “No judgments, but how could that ho not wear panties? I always wear mine.” You don’t have to try so hard. Screaming Does Not Make You Janis Joplin.

7. Justin Timberlake: You are the poster boy for surviving a boy band with your integrity intact. It’s a club of one. Enjoy it. Work your talented self all over the rep carpet and the stage. Video your face as you sing, making your nose look humongous and my eyes get Blair-Witch-dizzy from the shaky close-ups. But don’t hug Fed Ex when the cameras are rolling or when they aren’t. Ewwww. It’s like you got hit with the skank wand every time you dip into any part of Britney’s world. Fake hugs are like watching car wrecks. Fans can’t turn away, but you look stupid. Skip the Fake Man-hugs.

8. Shakira: Despite the fact that only ten people knew who you were, you came out shaking your golden lion’s mane in a gold lame, spangly midriff baring suit that looked like a costume from the I Dream of Jeannie Las Vegas Reunion. You writhed like Courtney Love on Ritalin. You growled some lyrics no one could hear. Dare I say you “Cuchi Cuchi’d” your ass all over the stage, but for what? To Be Taken Seriously, Avoid Looking and Acting like Charo.

9. Carrie Underwood: Just because you won Best New Artist over current unexplainable darling Corinne Bailey Rae, who could put a meth addict to sleep with the hazy drawl of hers, don’t get cocky. I get you even less than Norah Jones, who I don’t get at all. But you won because voters like a system of checks and balances. Yes, we’ll give the Dixie Chicks a sweep because we hate Bush, but they hated him first. But-and this is essential-we need a sweet, non-controversial country girl with a conservative, Idol-ish past to counterbalance. Enter Carrie. Don’t Think for a Minute There’s Not Some Alternative Motive for Your Win.

10. Lionel Richie, John Legend, Corinne Bailey Rae, John Mayer and similar, mellow artists who appear every year: Lionel sang his song, “Hello” with the lyric, “is it me you’re looking for?” Answer: no. What I was really looking for was the other Grammys. You know, the exciting one. Where Madonna dances her ass off, compelling acts do live mashups, and Mary J. blows the roof off the place. I was not looking for the one where you and your snoozy cohorts channel Perry Como on a stool and put me to sleep. But then again, you are as much a part of Grammy history as anyone. Banality is Timeless.