Celebri-spiral™: Enough Already

2009: Pop Culture Writing

2009-01-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Celebri-spiral blog. I wrote one daily post for five months (January 1-May 31, 2007) exploring celebrity culture-the good, bad and oh-so ugly. On January 1, 2007, my new year's wish was to Just Say No to toxic celebrities.

On that day, I am resolved to:

-Take up Yoga again.
-Cut out white flour.
-Try to be on time.
-Stop reading magazines like US, In Style, and In Touch, and avoid websites like Gawker.com and Defamer.com.

As part of my resolution to change bad habits, I took on the role of toxic celebrity culture in my life. I wrote daily to understand better my own love/hate relationship with pop culture, a condition I refer to as being in a "celebri-spiral." I invited fellow celebrity culture addicts who love/hate reading pop culture magazines and visiting celebrity web sites, yet refuse to let go of our US Magazine, to post to the Celebri-spiral: Enough Already blog. I still want to know why we immerse in celeb-escapism.

Before Celebri-spiral, I wrote several published articles on pop culture, and also co-authored E-Pop! for two years (1998-2000), which seems like a lifetime ago. E-Pop! was an E-Zine featuring very personal and satirical take on the people, politics, and media coverage of the day. Maybe it's not surprising that, with a slightly harsher tone and much more prolific web presence (TMZ anyone?), celebrity culture is thriving,with more media coverage and consumption than ever. Here are a few fun highlights from E-Pop!

In 2009, I'd like to say I've eschewed pop culture, but all facets of my work still collide with it. The pseudo-addiction has merely subsided and I am still writing about it. Here's an example of a recent pop culture piece I wrote: Pop Culture's Memorable Moments of the Last 50 Years. I left the less pop-oriented events, like the moon landing and shuttle explosion, to others. My piece was on Princess Diana's death. No surprise to those who know me.

May 31, 2007: Celebrity Junkie Get Your Fix

2007-10-11T06:56:00.001-07:00

The term celebrity junkie takes hold! From Liz Smith's column:

Are we stuffing ourselves with empty cultural calories? Snacking mindlessly on famous people's dramas and distresses?" asks writer Jennifer Krause. Witness the latest In Touch mag cover: "Angelina Gains 10 Pounds." And the magazine goes on to ask if Ms. Jolie is pregnant. There are theories that, these days, the "news" is being constructed by a paparazzi and tabloid industry - that it's "made up." And the hunger for following celebrity makes us feel we know the star, and images of same give us a sense of "home and belonging." And I say we are all celebrity junkies to some extent, probably because we can't bear to be dealing all the time with the serious issues that surround us.

May 30, 2007: Celebri-spiral is in a Virtual Jail of Sorts, Showing Solidarity with Paris

2007-05-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

In solidarity with young, messed-up Hollywood, several of whom are in prison now for the 2nd try(Paris), and some headed there shortly (Nicole, Lilo), I have gone into solitary confinement for a couple of weeks to reflect on what I've done to cause my celebri-spiraling, just as Candy Spelling and Cathy Hilton advised.

I will be saying a little prayer for Dina Lohan and all other messed-up celebs and celeb-enablers who continue to bypass the so-called news filters, infiltrate our consciousness, and cause celebri-spirals.

Do we bring celebri-spirals on ourselves through our lack of self-editing? If so, what should we do about that? I'll be pondering such weighty topics while in solitary.)

All I'll say is that this could be the wake up call young Hollywood needs to get its act together, as well as a siren sounding on ridiculous celebrity overkill that we celebri-spiralers need.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life hitting the Internet Refresh button on TMZ, as they tell their readers to do, in order to not miss a split second of action!

See you soon.

May 29, 2007: Hi-ho Hi-ho It's Off to Rehab, Lilo

2007-05-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

Every major news outlet is claiming that Lindsay Lohan is headed to Promises, where Britney supposedly got her sobriety and hair back.

This after Lilo was photographed passed out in the front seat of her SUV two nights after being arrested on suspicion of DUI.

She's not going down without a fight, but how true of addiction.

The Lilo news is presented in an equal time slot with President Bush finally addressing the horror in Darfur (it's about time) and Hillary Clinton being taken to task on the campaign trail for possible not reading all intelligence reports about Iraq before casting her vote regarding the war.

Can anyone say "priorities?"

May 28, 2007: Celebrity Culture Shocker! US Exposed!

2007-05-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Howard Kurtz's great article in The Washington Post today (Celeb Rag Shocker: Us's Exposé Exposé!), we now know more about the dirty business decisions that drive the tabloid business.

Here's just a sample:

Eleven months ago, In Touch magazine ran a "Breaking News" cover about Jennifer Aniston that declared "JEN LOOKS PREGNANT!" In January, another cover blared: "FRIENDS WORRY BRITNEY'S PREGNANT." In April, Katie Holmes got the treatment: "KATIE LOOKS PREGNANT AGAIN."

In Touch wasn't alone on the bump-watch front. In the space of one year, after Angelina Jolie gave birth to baby Shiloh, Life & Style, owned by the same company, announced four times that Jolie again looked pregnant, was trying to get pregnant, was wearing loose-fitting clothing or nixing foods that pregnant women avoid. In 2005, Star said Jessica Simpson was "Finally PREGNANT!" In 2006, OK! magazine screamed: "J.LO TO BE A MOM!" Yet during this blizzard of cover headlines, these stars had given birth only to bogus stories.

While breathless hype is hardly unknown in the celebrity-rag business, a rival's finger-pointing campaign is rare indeed. Us Weekly recently started razzing the competition with such weekly spreads as "How They Faked the Baby 'News.' "

LIES LIES LIES MORE LIES...OH YEAH, AND CALUMNY, TOO!

"When we put it all together and saw how many times they've played this game of trickery, it was pretty shocking," says Us Weekly Editor Janice Min. "Would you continue to buy laundry detergent that didn't work week after week?"

Clearly, this is not simply an exercise in selfless investigative sleuthing. In fact, Jann Wenner, the media mogul who owns Us Weekly, ordered up the attacks. Min, whose factual track record is not unblemished, concedes that her attempt to tarnish the other magazines amounts to "a business decision."

Editors at the other magazines refused to address the details. "Did I miss the memo from Us Weekly saying they want to edit everyone's magazines now? They should concentrate on their own," Richard Spencer, editor of In Touch, says in a statement.

CELEBRITY TABLOID CATFIGHT! FILM AT 11!

At stake in the sniping is market share in a burgeoning business that almost seems to outstrip the available supply of celebrity couplings and uncouplings. At the end of 2006, Us Weekly was selling 1.75 million copies a week, a 40 percent increase over three years earlier. Star's circulation was 1.5 million, a 26 percent jump in three years. But the most dramatic increases were among two magazines launched in the last five years: In Touch (1.3 million), up 151 percent since 2003; and Life & Style (753,000), up 157 percent during that period. People remained the industry leader with sales of 3.7 million.

The formula is fairly simple. Stars must be seen falling in and out of love, cheating or being cheated on, dieting or blimping up, bouncing back or melting down. Weddings, divorces, pregnancies, births, drug problems and rehab stints are huge. The problem is that the two dozen or so first-name luminaries whose faces move magazines -- Paris and Lindsay and Britney and Nicole and their boyfriends and ex-boyfriends -- can stir up only so much intrigue week after week. So some of the magazines take liberties.

"It's clear what the editorial agenda is -- to spin fantasy under the illusion of news," Min says.

BREATH TAKEN FROM DAVE! LARCENY CHARGES PENDING!

It's breathtaking that A) the numbers are that high for these pubs, and 2) Janice Min admits that what she does is spin gold fantasy from celebrity straw.

Read the entire story, it's fascinating.

May 27, 2007: Valley of the Dolls Goes to Jail

2007-05-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

As if prisons aren't overcrowded enough, now it's possible that the cast of Valley of the Dolls 2007 (Paris, Lindsay, and Nicole) might be headed to the pokey. Not content to let Paris and Nicole get all the attention with their DUI's-or Britney with her head-shave-meltdown- Lindsay got behind the wheel of a car on Sunset Boulevard at 5 A.M. Don't we all know by now that no good can come of that?

She's in trouble. Fleeing the scene of an accident, coke allegedly found in her car and a possible DUI, which now puts her a few charges ahead of the others. She's under 21, too.

Are they ALL going to the hoos gow, the pokey, the slammer? If so, will they bring the jails down, too? There's a phrase used in AA meetings: a drunk will get you drunker quicker than you will get her sober. With a mother like Dina Lohan, you might need some room in your cell, too, L-girl.

Someone wrote the following letter on TMZ. It doesn't seem far off if you ask me:

Don't worry baby, we can get another vodka, or a tequila company to sponser your party. This wasn't your fault, and THEY know it!!! And if Hollywood has a hissy fit over this little stuff, we'll just have your party in Columbia. Love, Mommy

Advice to LA County jail inmates: good luck and when Lindsay wants to borrow your cold medicine, lighter, and/or car, JUST SAY NO.

To Lindsay: a new GEORGIA RULE! Take Jane Fonda's generous offer that she's made in the media for weeks now and stay curled in Barbarella's arms until you grow up.

May 26, 2007: Rosie vs. Elizabeth Celebri-spiral and Act Out Our Feelings in the Process

2007-05-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

Did you see the fight between Elizabeth Hasselback and Rosie O'D on The View this week? It pains me to say two things:

1) As much as Rosie seems over the top much of the time, I see nothing strange in what she said or did. She asked Elizabeth to clarify something, which Elizabeth chose not to do. Instead, Elizabeth lost her temper, a fact few are noting. I agree with Rosie 100%.

2) Two celebrities fighting on opposites sides of Iraq war strategy - it goes without saying that both support the troops! - actually help us get our feelings out in the open. Sad, sad, sad. Two famous women express the bitter divide that many of us don't take let out enough. Two celebrities acted this out for us and we got to vicariously experience, and perhaps either deepen or release, some strong emotions about the U.S. led Iraq war.

Perhaps if more of us had this kind of debate with those close to us, or around us, or even with strangers via a blog, we wouldn't care so much about the latest drama on The View, which happens during sweeps week, the celebri-spiraling blogger cynically notes.

May 25, 2007: American Idol Coronation

2007-05-25T20:43:00.000-07:00

America celebri-spiraled this week over the coronation of Jordin Sparks as the new American Idol.

Will we celebri-spiral over her? So far, so good. I know nothing about her personal life except a couple of minor tidbits. But her talent came across in a big way. We'll see what happens.

The show itself was designed to wreak every emotion out of you; fear, excitement, projection of star-making fantasies, joy, sadness, sentiment...and then after every former Idol sang, and Tony Bennett as the old man graced the stage, out came Bette Midler, and the wind beneath her wings, to make sure we were drained of every tear.

Jordin is just 17. I hope she, and the people around her, are careful about not falling into the celebri-spiralish trappings of fame.

May 24, 2007: Al Gore Takes on Diane Sawyer for Celebri-spiraling

2007-05-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

I loved Al Gore's critique of Diane Sawyer's GMA interview this week. He started it by saying to her, "Listen to your questions..." Hysterical.

When she asked him about the other personalities in the race, he replied, "That's not what this is about."

Sawyer admitted she was doing what Gore condemns, comparing the Presidential run to a horse race: "Not to fall into your thesis that the press only wants the horserace of a political campaign, but--"

"But back to the horserace," Gore mocked.

"But back to the horserace!," Sawyer replied, with no trace of sheepishness.

Then she went after his weight after promising to "dig deeper."

"At my peril here, I just want to say one more time. Donna Brazille, your former campaign manager, says 'if he drops 25 to 30 pounds, he's running.' Lost any weight?," Diane asked.

Gore laughed, but you could tell he was annoyed. "I think millions of Americans are in the same struggle I am on that one," he responded, right before he launched into his counter-offensive.

"But listen to your questions. The horserace, the cosmetic parts of this -- look, that's all understandable and natural. But while we're focused on Britney and K-fed and Anna Nicole Smith and all this stuff, meanwhile, very quietly, our country has been making some very serious mistakes that could be avoided if we, the people, including the news media, are involved in a full and vigorous discussion of what our choices are."

Way to go Al! I like him more and more for his bluntness. And, of course, for taking on celebri-spiraling questions from someone who really should know better but doesn't (Diane, Diane, Diane...what are we going to do with you?).

May 23, 2007: A Celebri-spiral Cry for Help. Guest Blog from LG

2007-05-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

Celebri-spiral reader LG is the guest blogger this week. She writes about the photo that caused a thousand celebri-spirals:

"I am not ashamed of my celebrity addiction. There is just something about them being in Cannes this week that put me over the edge. It's such a frenzy, but way more classy than these events that go down in LA. Cannes is all so Jackie O. I had to force myself not to look at more pics today on a A Socialite's Life. Gah.

I've never had much of a reaction to Brangelina. I always thought he peaked after Thelma and Louise (which was pretty early in the career ... as in, the very beginning), and my elephant's memory will never forget when Angie dated Billy Bob Thornton and carried around a vial of his blood. That's just crazy.

And this adoption and philanthropy business ... all well and good, and they sort of get a check mark for doing their human duty to help those less fortunate than themselves (i.e. everyone).

But maybe it was those photos of them doing mundane family things, playing at the beach, dropping the kids off at school, eating lunch together, and so on, that has made me see them as people. Because now, when I see the glamour that is this power couple, I suddenly realize all at once that 1) they are our royalty, and 2) I want that life.

In this picture, they are not trying too hard, or acting unstable, or looking desperate or outdated, like they got off the Hollywood treadmill and no one really cares anymore. Even her tattoos are somehow working. Like she's saying, 'I'm a gorgeous mom who has settled down, but I have a hot past, and someday when you're a teenager and effing up, I'll share some of my own stories with you and you'll realize I lived my life to the fullest.'

I can't take it."

Thanks, LG. You speak for all of us this week.

May 22, 2007: Celebri-spiraling on the Flight to Las Vegas for Work

2007-05-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

Flying for work today, and we know what that means in addition to prepping to do my job. It means a flurry of newspapers, magazines, USA Today headlines, CNN crawls, and the like, probably 50% of which was devoted to celebrities.

What did I learn in the mere airport-and-flight-time-of-seven-hours?

Britney, headed to Miami from LA to lip sync four songs wearing a variety of wigs while promoting a "comeback," actually made the pilot stop the plane so she could get off. Her reason? The plane didn't have leather seats.
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake broke up but is there still tension? The news correspondent who analyzed their quick peck on the cheek at the Shrek 3 premiere seemed to think so.
Lindsay Lohan might have been doing drugs and it might have been captured on video and she might be upset and a little sorry about it and her friends who leaked it might actually be worried about Lindsay and that's the reason they ratted their friend out. Oh, scratch that last one. The 15 minutes, the money, the "fame by association;" those are the reasons we see so many "friends and family of.." coming forth these days.
Gossip blogger Perez Hilton gets 2 millions hits a day on his site, has three million dollar lawsuits pending against him, and blogs all day in the Los Angeles Coffee Bean and Teaf Leaf. USA Today calls him influential, while he crowns himself the "Oprah Book Club" of music. This is probably, sadly true.
Candy Spelling wrote letters of admonition to headed-to-the-hoos-gow Paris Hiton and Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, already in the pokey. Who next Candy? All I can do is agree with Amy Poehler, who looked at your picture and claimed, "White wine. Making housewives insane for two hundred years now."
Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria said her TV wedding would be bigger than TV's iconic Luke and Laura nuptials. Ego much?
Oprah's dad is writing a book on her and she found out about it from a New York Daily News reporter. She is upset. I don't blame her. Why would he do this? He can't possibly need the money.
David Hasselhoff got the kids in the custody disputes, despite his videotaped drunken burger chomping episode. Hmmm, something's fishy with the wife, who has been on Larry King now twice with scandalicious lawyer Debra Opri, who just billed Larry Birkhead $600 g's before being canned as his rep.
Amy and Joey are at it still. Joey was spotted frolicking in the pool with his soon to be divorced wife. Amy says the woman is "history." Note to Joey's ex: given the history here, believe Amy when she speaks. Now Mary Jo is on Larry King tonight and CNN is promoting the hell out of it. They are really looking for an Anna Nicole ratings replacement.
Brangelina dominated the Cannes film fest. Sorry Sharon Stone. Someone stole your glamor crown, though you certainly took over the limelight at this film fest post Madonna and pre Angie. Brad and Angie are impossibly attractive, now with an enviable home life to boot. More on this tomorrow.

Do I need to know any of this? What do I do? Look away when I see or hear trival celebrity news?

May 21, 2007: No, No, No, No! No More Amy and Joey! It's like Stepping Back Into Celebri-spiral Hell!

2007-05-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

No, no, no, no, no! Not Amy and Joey kissing! Not more Amy and Joey! Why isn't he in jail still? Why isn't she? What are they thinking? Do they miss their tacky fame that much? Do they really want to subject us to their craziness like it's 1992 all over again and we're watching poor Mary Jo with a bullet in her brain try to deal with these two bozos? Will we let them?

Apparently, the answer is yes since this Amy Joey reunion story and gross photo is running across the world today.

I promise that I am only running this one clip as a service to you. It's not for me. I will avoid all future stories about them someway, somehow.

But better you see this shocking photo and hear the news here first before the tabloid coverage assaults you in the grocery checkout line.

OK, I feel a little better. As long as I am doing a social good by running this, it's OK.

May 20, 2007: Farrah on the Celebri-spiral Radar

2007-05-20T06:46:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those bummer celebri-spiral days when I know I shouldn't feel overly sad about someone I don't know. After all, there's plenty going on with the people I do know, and I try to be attentive to them.

Still, I'm sorry to hear that Farrah's cancer is back. She's an icon (30 years later, she still draws out attention.); an angel (I just bought (Charlie's Angels Season I on DVD, which makes me flashback to 1976. Watching that show makes me remember what was personally happening for me at the time. Strange, I know.); and a media phenomenon (who didn't have that poster? Even gay men had that poster.)

But she also seems like a nice, if slightly goofy, person, with a good heart. As I watched the entertainment media reporters discussing her condition today, I picked up on genuine concern, as opposed to the fake concern, which they've mastered.

If you had to choose the family of celebrities who are on your emotional radar, i.e. the ones you care about personally, who are they?

May 19, 2007: Celebri-spiraling in the World of Sports and Politics

2007-05-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

Lest you forget that celebri-spiraling exists outside the arena of entertainment, these two cases have shocked the nation and made us realize how addictive celebrity soap operas can be in the worlds of sports and politics, too:

Drama at Landis Doping Hearing - bitter backstabbing behind the scenes of global bicycling! Greg Lemond is threatened by Landis' manager who says he'll reveal Lemond's childhood sexual abuse if he testifies at a hearing on steroids.

We never really considered the personal lives of these people before this. How long before we see this idea stolen and portrayed on Law and Order? I'd say three weeks.

Sick Ashcroft pressed to approve domestic spying' - Forget the Pelican Brief. Dynasty or Dallas could not have come up with a more heart-racing political thriller than what happened when John Ashcroft was in the hospital, having passed off his Attorney General authority to his deputy, as White House minions raced to his bedside to take advantage of his ill state and pressure him into signing papers for the President.

May 18, 2007: Ashley Judd in Celebri-spiral Recovery

2007-05-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

When Ashley Judd received treatment for depression, it looks like they also treated the pervasive addiction that some celebrities must have for their own fame:

"I had to hit a bottom. It's like when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing." So says Ashley Judd, discussing the 47-day stay she spent in a Texas treatment facility last year to recover from a longtime bout of depression. The actress looks back on that healing time in the issue of Entertainment Weekly that hits stands Friday — in which she also says that one way she copes with the negatives of fame is to steer clear of the tabloids. "I have a really firm slogan now that it's none of my business what people think of me."

I am glad to hear her talk about this issue. She's a great actress who's doing much good in the world with her feminist activism and AIDS awareness outreach. But while hers is one side of celebrity depression, there's another, equally problematic celebri-spiraling side.

There's the depression that celebrities themselves must feel, faced with a purported need to stay in the press in order to be validated. Their agents and managers foster this I am sure; but for the person, what does that do to your soul? You take a person who's probably insecure to start with, overlay the need to now amp up the level of attention they need on a daily basis, and then tie it both to their self esteem and career.

Then there's the depression that celebri-spiralers face. Immersion in celebrity tabloid culture fosters impossible cycles of comparing-despairing (I'm not good enough), celebrity envy (I want Gwen Stefani's $4,000 baby carriage, Oprah's five houses, and John Travolta's fleet of airplanes), unrealistic expectations (If only I was famous, I'd have no problems like the happy people on the award show red carpet), and a confusing relationship with healthy escape (how much immersion into the lives of people I don't know is too much?).

Is there any question that there's a direct relationship between booming celebrity culture and the rise of Prozac?

May 17, 2007: Riddle Me This, Celebri-spiral Spoiler

2007-05-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

This comes from Cathleen, the Celebri-spiral™ official spoiler™, who runs Sporadic™:

Digg did not father Anna Nicole's Baby
Inserted myself at the nexus of pop culture, tech news and social media and linked together two of my favorite bloggers: Dave Singleton, Celebri-Spiral and Steve Rubel, Micro Persuasion.

I once used to talk to Cathleen live, but now only interface with her in the shadowy world of virtual Gotham. She combines a fascination with productivity mixed with pop culture.

Read her post today and her Alec Baldwin PowerPoint rant (in which productivity and celebrity culture collide, spurred on by a voicemail rant), and check out MicroPersuasion, which speaks to how technology is revolutionizing everything.

May 16, 2007: iPod Phone vs. Anna Nicole Death. It's a Celebri-spiral Throwdown!

2007-05-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Cathleen for sending me a link to Celebrities Dominate, But Not on Digg. Pop culture early adopters showed their strength over tabloid junkies. Woo hoo! Check it out:

It never ceases to amaze me just how much we love celebrities. Even the wide river of non-gossip bloggers. However, on digg they like tech a whole lot more. PC Magazine ran an interesting chart in their latest issue that measures this. They tracked the buzz around the death of Anna Nicole Smith and compared it to the launch of the iPhone. Anna trumped Apple in Google searches, blog posts and news stories by a wide margin. But the iPhone walloped Anna on digg.

May 15, 2007: Making Friends with "Friends"

2007-05-15T07:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight on CNN"s Showbiz Tonight, there's a segment on how our brains are wired to connect, including with celebrities. Showbiz Tonight's A.J. Hammer report uses the example of how the cast of Friends do seem like friends, and how our brains are full of these characters, both those we know personally and those we feel we know through media.

This faux connection with celebrities is a huge part of the reason why we celebri-spiral.

The science and psychology behind this concept is fascinating, isn't it? Basically, were we ever really meant to live and experience life outside of what psychologists call our "realm of influence;" I.e. those we know personally and can see and hear live instead of on a TV show or in a magazine?

May 14, 2007: File This Under the "...And He Would Know" Category

2007-05-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

Celebrity and crime writer Dominick Dunne speaks on the industry that's made him a household name. Larry King recently asked him about why coverage of certain people, especially wayward young female celebs, is raging out of control like a brush fire.

KING: But how did we get to this?

DUNNE: How do we get to it? Well, we are in the most celebrity-mad phase in the history of our country.

KING: Tabloids add to it?

DUNNE: Absolutely.

KING: Does "Vanity Fair" add to it?

DUNNE: Sadly, yes, but not primarily.

There, from the horse's mouth, more proof of the celebri-spiraling concept. Mr. Dunne, over 80, has seen a lot and made a living off of celebrity culture for a few decades, including from the forenamed Vanity Fair. So if he thinks this is the most celebrity-mad phase in the history of our country, that's credible.

May 13, 2007: Celebrity Quotes that Make Us Celebri-spiral

2007-05-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

You have to hand it to VH1. They are owning the celebrity tabloid TV market (sorry E! Channel) with some shows that spoof celebrity culture (Best Week Ever) and others that celebrate it blindly.

The newest addition is VH1's 40 Dumbest Celeb Quotes, and frankly, I am not sure which of the two categories this one falls under.

On the one hand, spotlighting quotes like the following seems, in and of itself, like a spoof.

But on the other hand, it's not. They happened. The media covered them and we lapped them up, in blind, if not dumb, celebration.

Here are a few in all their glory:

The Blondes

Jessica Simpson - "Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says Chicken, by the Sea"
Tara Reid - "I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist"
Paris - "What's Walmart, do they sell like wall stuff?"
Alicia Silverstone - "I think that the film "Clueless" was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."

The Leaders

George Bush - "Too many obgyn's aren't able to practice their love with women across this country."
Arnold Schwarzanegger - "I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."
Bill Clinton - "If I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mommy."

The Geographically-Challenged

Britney Spears - "I get to go overseas places, like Canada"
Christina Aguilera - "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"
Dan Quayle - "I love California. I grew up in Phoenix."

And The Truly Bizarre

David Hasselfhoff - "I find it a bid sad that there is no photo of me at the museum at Checkpoint Charlie."
R.Kelly - "All of a sudden you're like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I'm going through."
Brooke Shields - "Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

They made us laugh, they made us shake our heads and feel perhaps slightly superior, and, most importantly, they made us pay attention to those who said them. So maybe VH1's next show should be called VH1's Dumbest Celebri-spiraling Viewers.

May 12, 2007: $600 Diaper Bag Marketed with Celebrity Envy

2007-05-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

Just what new moms need to know. As if struggling to manage home, finances, and new baby isn't enough!

Featured in In Style magazine, the new baby diaper bag (Angelina & Tori Gaga for Same Diaper Bag) is the latest celebrity envy-inducing product to grace the pages of yet another endlessly materialistic glossy. Hey, it only costs $600. That's affordable for the average reader of In Style, no?

As reported by TMZ:

In between Angie saving the world and Tori opening a Bed and Breakfast, both ladies recently picked up Hammitt's $600 Suzy leather diaper bag. No Babies "R" Us for these mamacitas! StyleChic's Aly Scott tells TMZ that Angelina got hers in Oscar-winning black, while Tori opted for one in a more reality show appropriate hue.

And once diaper-changing days are over for these hot mamas, the plush pouch doubles as a stylish travel duffel. Which will be perfect for all of Angelina's Third World jaunts and Tori's trips to day spas in the 90210!

May 11, 2007: Human RSS Feeds for Celebri-spiralers

2007-05-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

Today's post is inspired by PR-maven Suzanne, who's come up with a new term for those who race to celebri-spiralers like us with the latest celeb-news. The term is Human RSS Feeds, and it's a spin on the direct news feeds that every major media outlet offers. It's fitting. Don't celebri-spiralers, in one way or another, train those close to us to give us what we want?

The question is why do they do it? Co-dependent enabling? Overeagerness to please? In Suzanne's case, is it that she's the mom and they want parental approval? Suzanne says she's trained her kids to rush to her with celebrity news, as if she's not already on it! In fact, our group of friends races to email each other with celebrity scoops, and Suzanne usually wins.

I think she's set the bar high for the kids in some scary, celeb-hued Mommie Dearest take-off, in which mother says sternly, plainly to child, "You will never, ever beat Mommy at getting the latest celeb-gossip. But you must try, Christina, try! Compete with US Magazine alerts and TMZ!"

Writes Suzanne (and I paraphrase) about a typical morning in which The Today Show was on in the background at around 7:30 A.M. as the family readied for their day, and daughter Ellie needed to relay celeb-news to Mom.

"Ellie came running in, saying 'Mom, on TV they just showed a clip from Sound of Music and then one from Mary Poppins back to back....'

I cut her off, pushed her aside trying to get to the TV while wondering aloud, 'Oh my god, has something happened to Julie Andrews?!'

It's funny where my mind went immediately. As I wondered if Julie had died, I thought of the other possibilities. Could it be: A) new book, B) some charity rah rah, C) an early Shrek 3 promo, or D) her death announcement. I shrieked at the possibility that it might be #4. In truth, it was # 1.

Maybe it's just an itching for some delicious celebri-tragedy served with your oatmeal? I know when I hear anyone even say "Charl" as in Charlie or Charleston, South Caroline, I immediately assume it's the death announcement of very ill actor Charlton Heston, Mr. N.R.A. himself. Some newscaster is coming on to say that Moses has finally fallen like a tablet off the earth mount."

I'm sure that, when Mr. H. finally does pass, Ellie and thousands of other human RSS feeds will get to work, informing their respective celebri-spiralers of the breaking news.

How many of us have Human RSS feeds? Who's yours?

May 10, 2007: Wikipedia and Celebrity Culture

2007-05-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the wikipedia entry for celebrity culture? It's so encompassing and polarizing a topic that it's hard to define.

But I like this excerpt about the rise of celebrity culture:

One possible explanation of this trend is that an artificial importance has been created in order to promote a product or a service, rather than to record a purely biographical event. As more new products are launched in a world market that is constantly expanding, the need for more celebrities has become an industry in itself.

Another explanation, used by Chuck Palahniuk, is that this exaggeration of modern celebrity culture is created out of a need for drama and spectacle. In the book Haunted, he describes the pattern of creating a celebrity as a god-like figure, and once this image is created, the desire to destroy it and shame the individual in the most extreme ways possible. Tabloid magazines are the prototype example of this theory.

May 9, 2007: Oprah on Larry King Causes Unusual Type of Celebri-spiral

2007-05-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

If you dislike fawning, then run, don't walk, to the Blog exit.

I saw Oprah interviewed by Larry King for his 50th anniversary celebration.

I'm writing about it because, while watching, I celebri-spiraled in an unusual way. Instead of feeling conflicted over watching a celeb on his show, I was impressed with how inspirational she is, launching a school for girls in Africa and new projects aimed at boosting child predator laws. I felt like I can't possibly do enough, like Oprah does.

Disclaimer: no, I don't know what Oprah's really like, or what her bad habits are. She has them. We all do. Nor are celebrities the best role models. That moniker is reserved in my mind for many an unsung hero; a caring teacher, selfless parent, and anyone who acts on behalf of evolution-personal, social, spiritual, scientific....I know all this.

Despite my celebri-spiral conflict, I am the first to say, "Don't put celebrities on pedestals. It's a huge celebri-spiral mistake."

Still, I watched with a mixture of feeling-great-about-Oprah
-but-bad-about-myself as uber-celeb Ms. Winfrey spoke in the contagious language of vision and positive energy. There's a great poem from Emily Dickinson called "I dwell in possibility." I have the saying Dwell in Possibility on my refrigerator. It's a profound thought for me, and for some reason, Oprah embodies and expresses that idea.

On the show, Oprah made a few comments that fit with my celebri-spiral theme:

Without dismissing celebrity culture, or her very clear role in fostering it, she said, "Celebrities are great and fun and all, but the real stories from real people are most important."

She spoke of her dream legacy that far surpasses TV fame: "I want to have changed the laws, the laws, state by state, for child predators in this country. That's what I want to have done. And I won't be satisfied until that is done. I want the laws to change because you know, every time we are outraged as a citizenry and as a country. All over the world people are upset when a child is snatched, when somebody goes into somebody's house, you know, and molests a child, kills a child. It's inconceivable. But every time it happens people say, oh, we're outraged, it shouldn't happen, the law, he should have been put in jail, he should have been able to stay in jail. Well, I want to change that. So that's my big goal. So no, I'm not even kind of done. I haven't even gotten started."

She talked about how celebrities can and should add value to the world through their fame platform that's handed to them: "I've got a great platform. And you were asking me the question about clout. What's the point of clout if you can't do something with it?"

May 8, 2007: The Celebri-spiraling Petitions to Pardon Paris

2007-05-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

Since Ms. Hilton has called her jail sentence "unfair," her fans are posting petitions on pardonparis.com and freeparishilton, urging The Governator Schwarzenegger to free the heiress.

"I feel that I was treated unfairly and that the sentence is both cruel and unwarranted and I don't deserve this," Hilton told photographers assembled outside her home Saturday.

The latter petition, which had more than 1800 signatures by Tuesday afternoon, urges the California action star/governor to pardon Hilton because "She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives. "

Ouch. Yuck. Blech. Is your life mundane enough to require her?

As I read this, I can't help but think of the new book The Secret, which claims that we conjure up the events in our lives. Why exactly did we conjur her? And don't give me the two-second answer. Let's really think about this. The key to celebri-spiraling could be found here.

But for now, back to the petitions, which pull out the stops. I have to give them that. Another excerpt:

"If the late former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect the governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton."

Well, sirs and madams, I knew Richard Nixon. Richard Nixon was a friend of mine. Paris Whitney Hilton is no Richard Nixon.

May 7, 2007: Hillary and the Celebri-spiraling Age of Denial

2007-05-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

Like everyone else I know, I've been pondering the 2008 Presidential race as it were to be held tomorrow.

No, in fact, it will not be held for a year and a half. But that hasn't stopped us from making bets on front runners. That's what I did with Crannie this weekend, ironically the same weekend that horse racing kicked off its season with The Kentucky Derby.

I called that race (Street Sense!), and wonder if I'll have the same luck with the future leader of the free world.

It's hard to know where any of them stand, since the only true issue on the table seems to be the Iraq war. This despite the fact that our domestic policies are in crisis, as we ignore topics ranging from national education standards to the U.S. lack of self-reliance on finances, oil and..well, just about everything.

Today I quit talking and jumped into the 2008 Presidential race with both feet and wallet, measured by my first donation to Hillary. Also on this day, Graydon Carter, editor of Vanity Fair, got press for his latest Editor's Letter.

This preview comes from Liz Smith in today's New York Post:

Depressing but enlightening: Graydon Carter in Vanity Fair for June, citing how we have entered the Age of Denial. His most interesting example is high gossip! - "Democratic steamroller Hillary Clinton is in denial over the rumored, er, friskiness of her husband, Bill. If journalists are aware of this apparent friskiness, you can be damned sure Karl Rove and the Republican intelligence machine knows about it, too . . . (Should Clinton get the nomination) . . . they can grind her campaign into the gutter with all the lurid specifics."

Lurid specifics, indeed. Everyone I know is judging the candidates on the specifics of their personal lives, and the assumed strength or weakness quotients of those near and dear:

Hillary has Bill as an unprecedented pro, as well as a possible con if eagled-eyed political operatives and tabloid spies, both trained in the School of Dirt, discover indiscretions.
John Edwards has Elizabeth and her health issues.
Barack Obama has the floating balloon of untested goodwill, based on a limited track record, that could burst into the Hindenburg with the first misstep.
Rudy Guiliani has third wife Judi Nathan, kids who speak out publicly against him, and the ghost of Donna Hanover.
Mitt Romney has a chronically ill wife.
John McCain has unsteady health and a second wife who seems reticent about the spotlight.

We may very well be in what Graydon refers to as the "age of denial."

But what we're really denying is not the candidates' perceived ability to see themselves through the brutally laid-bare media window through which others view them.

The true denial is that we're content political celebri-spiralers. When will the focus switch to issues, and new ones at that?

May 6, 2007: Celebri-spiral Does Not Pass Go or Collect $200. Instead, Paris Goes to Jail

2007-05-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

Jail is sooooooo not hot.

If good taste, lack of sense, and outlandish superegos were criminal offenses, Paris Hilton would have gone to jail a long time ago. But they are not. Sadly, these crimes aren't punishable by law.

As a society, we could decide to deem them unacceptable, and then the celebrity tabloid business would go under, as our social intelligence quotient recovers.

But will we? Not today, at least it doesn't look likely.

Instead, just like it took a tax error to land Al Capone in the pokey, it's taken probation violation and too much booze for a judge to rule that Paris will head to Los Angeles County Jail for 45 days on June 5th.

Well, if she broke several laws and ignored all the rules, shouldn't she?

Justice is served. And that's hot.

May 5, 2007: The Queen Vs. Celebri-spiraling! It's a Death Match

2007-05-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentleman, I give you a Queen. No, not just a queen. The Queen. As in England. As in the only Queen anyone cares about.

Forget Elton John, the gays in Castro, Queen Noor, Helen Mirren, and even Queen Amidala from Star Wars.

The real Queen is gracing us with her presence this week in Virginia, to commemorate the anniversary of Jamestown.

Royals make us celebri-spiral, it's true. But the Queen faces smaller crowds and ruder questions than in years past.

Yes, the Queen in the age of tabloids is not allowed to remain as untouchable as she was, my dear subjects. She's faced all sorts of questions this trip, such as:

"Why did Prince William break up with Kate?" "Did you hate Princess Diana?" "What did you think of that movie about you?"

In the last 20 years, this Queen has faced scandal, rumor, the "Diana explosion," and her family dragged through the royal mud.

But she endures, regal as ever. She is a survivor. Changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace is simple sport compared with the changing of the world guard (i.e. the new, invasive, celebri-spiraling media) that this Queen has experienced in her lifetime.

When it comes to the final match, don't bet against this Queen. She has us all down for the count.

May 4, 2007: Edith Wharton and The Age of Celebri-spiraling

2007-05-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

I avoided news and celebrity drivel today-no minor feat. Instead, I turned my attention to the life of Edith Wharton, arguably one of the great 20th century writers on culture, manners, and social convention. I spent quite a while skimming An American Original: A comprehensive life of Edith Wharton, the sharp-eyed chronicler of high society by Hermione Lee.

What would Ms. Wharton think of today's celebrity-driven culture, where fame eclipses all rules of social engagement? Certainly, as the well-brought up woman who married then divorced in scandal, she faced her own contradictions, as the book duly notes:

As a result, secrecy, privacy, a sense of being a misfit or foundling child became one of her main subjects, along with a sense of the tragedy of lives unfulfilled, revealing her idea of her father, and perhaps of herself, at least until her sexual awakening 20 years after her marriage.

Well, that's certainly a lifestyle that today's celebs can get behind! If she'd been alive today, perhaps she would have written The Age of Celebri-spiraling. That's why this quote from Edith Wharton is particularly prescient, while shaking up her image a bit:

'If only we'd stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time."

May 3, 2007: Why Don't We Care About This Celebrity Trial?

2007-05-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

Why don't we care about the Phil Spector murder trial?

It has all the requisite elements that usually make us celebri-spiral; money, drugs, sex, fame. And yet, it's not stimulating a fractional level of interest that the Robert Blake trial spurred a few years ago.

Is the crazy-haired producer guilty of murdering actress Lana Clarkson, a made up Hollywood name if there ever was one? The 67-year-old Spector, who's produced everyone from Aretha to the Ronnettes, denies murdering Clarkson with a single gunshot at his Los Angeles mansion four years ago.

Are we just a fickle, celebrity-driven culture that doesn't even understand why it picks and chooses which celeb-travails to obsess over? The answer is obvious.

Sorry, Phil. If there was a Court TV version of American Idol (Court Idol?), you'd be voted off.

May 2, 2007: Celebri-spiraling Without Makeup!

2007-05-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

Somehow, videos like this, that show celebs in their natural, untouched state, balance the airbrushed, overly polished, and glam shots that make us feel like we can't possibly compare to the Gods and Goddesses of Hollywood.

The feeling isn't schadenfreude as much as it's relief, as if the unattainable just might be closer than you think. Or possibly, that you don't need to feel so bad when you're hanging out in your sweats.

OK, OK, some of them would be stunning after running a marathon or when they're exhausted. But for most, without Photoshop, kind and sensitive cinematographers, and the Zone Diet, where would they be?

May 1, 2007: Bob Mould's Take on Fame and Sycophants

2007-05-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

Don't know who Bob Mould is? Don't be surprised. He's a DJ and writer whose latest piece on Fame and Sycophants is on the D.C. City paper, for which he writes a column called Ask Bob.

On the one hand, I read it and thought, "I could see writing this if I am Angelina Jolie, chased down the street by hundreds of paparazzi and known in every country. Why Bob Mould?" But on the other hand, Bob makes some very good points, for the uber famous as well as for the sorta famous. Here's his take, which is worth thinking about in our fame and celebrity-driven culture:

I have always wanted to ask you about what it is like to become famous without seeking it. How did you deal with that when you were younger, and what would you recommend to talented artists finding themselves in an awkwardly “famous” spot?—Michael King, New Jersey

You are the company you keep. I have noticed, during busy or high-water periods in my career, that I am approached by people who may be interested in associating with me; to what end, sometimes I can’t discern. Usually, we share nothing of interest or value. It’s good to remember who your true friends are and to try not to let notoriety or fleeting success interfere with those friendships. There is a big difference between friends and sycophants.

Humans enjoy validation. We want approval and recognition of a job well done. I believe most people who acquire fame are true to their hearts; but when one listens to the wrong people saying the right things for the wrong reason, it is usually the beginning of the end. If you stay true to your work, your friends, and your heart, fame can be an enjoyable experience. And when it’s over, you’re still left with work, friends, and heart. If you trade them away for something less permanent, you might never get them back.

April 30, 2007: Happy Celebri-versary Larry King

2007-04-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

I love Larry King and his show. It's no secret. To borrow from Jerry Maguire, he had me at little old man.

No one makes me celebri-spiral like Larry. On any given night, you have Bil Clinton, the Dalai Lama, Barbra Eden, and Kathy Griffin-together!-discussing world events.

Who else can listen to Liza Minnelli wax on about the fact that alcoholism is a disease and interrupt her with a sentimental, "Ya miss your mother? You ever watch that movie she was in? The OZ show? Love that. It's on TNT all the time."

His 50th anniversary week starts now, delayed after the Virginia Tech shootings, which Larry devoted a full week to, knocking on the dais Oprah, Katie Couric, and a host of others scheduled to now appear this week to celebrate him and turn the tables: interviewer gets interviewed.

So with all the grandeur and the tributes from Presidents, Kings, Queens, Stars, and-let's face it-a host of B-list who'll be trotted out from the land of the forgotten headline, I saw this little saucy nugget from The New York Post:

CNN Suspends Good Taste

"There are going to be a lot of suspenders hanging around Columbus Circle tomorrow. On Friday, CNN worldwide president Jim Walton sent out a memo to the entire cable news network's staff asking them to all wear suspenders to the studio in honor of Larry King's 50th year in broadcasting. "We are privileged to have Larry, a wonderful colleague and true industry giant, as a cornerstone of CNN's success," Walton wrote. "I couldn't be prouder to work alongside Larry and have the opportunity to congratulate him on this extraordinary professional milestone. I know you share this sentiment. As a small token of our respect, appreciation and friendship, I am encouraging everyone to wear suspenders to work on Monday." But not all staffers share Walton's affection. One CNN'er told us, "I'm going to suck up to stars I thought were dead?" Another e-mailed, "He told us to wear suspenders, nothing about a shirt. Larry would love to see that, I'm sure." And another employee cackled, "I'm gonna wear suspenders. I'm also going to eat blueberries and fart in public all day."

Well, there are those rumors about the show, too. I have heard a thing or two about a fan under the desk that points away from the guests.

What interviewers make you celebri-spiral? Barbara, Diane, Katie?

April 29, 2007: Random Celebri-thoughts

2007-04-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

I didn't read magazines or watch much TV this weekend, but just from the little I did, I learned way too much about people I don't need to allow into my mind. Call it celebri-spiraling by CNN crawl.

But too late to put these nuggets back into the box. Media sound bytes let the horses out of the gate. As I write this, here are the questions going through my mind:

Will my friend Brooks really need to have such drastic surgery?
Are Alec Baldwin and Rosie O'Donnell friends or what? "The View" appearance was so oddly orchestrated.
Does Bush really plan to work with Dems on the Iraq funding and, if so, why is he still grandstanding?
When will the "Katie Trapped by Scientologists" headlines ever end?
What should I get my mom for Mother's Day?
Why does Jane Fonda seem so pissed off in interviews?
Will "The Bachelor" one day regret making out with ten women on his show, captured on tape for all time?
Are Hillary and Barack frenemies?
Why hasn't Larry B. called me back? I know there's the "having a kid" issue, but still...
What do I need to do to get my next writing deadlines in order?
What's the real story behind the cozy Bruce Willis, Ashton Kutcher, and Demi Moore shared vacations?
Will life be found on this newly discovered planet that supposedly resembles earth in some ways?
What are the answers to these little mysteries?

April 28, 2007: Well, Butter My Ass and Call Me a Biscuit. Look Who's on Celebrity Fit Club!

2007-04-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

This season's cast includes Maureen McCormick (The Brady Bunch), Dustin "Screech" Diamond (Saved By The Bell), Tiffany (pop star), Cledus T. Judd (country music artist), Da Brat (Hip Hop Artist), Ross "The Intern" Mathews (The Tonight Show), Kimberley Locke (American Idol) and Warren G (rapper).

So much 2nd tier celebrity TMI that I did not need to know, where to begin???

The world of teen star Tiffany was not roses, people. Shopping mall appearances mean fast food lurks everywhere. Pressure, pressure, pressure.
Why are you so angry, Screech? Already, the amateur porn producer is not winning friends, but in this celebri-world we live in, the badder he acts, the more popular he might become.
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia: fat, fat, fat, but she is going to win this thing. I can tell. The TV Land awards put the fear of God in her, and she wants a career back.
Kimberly Locke is addicted to pizza. Well, butter me a biscuit and call Columbo. The mystery is solved.
Da Brat is now close to appearing on more reality shows than anyone else.

Still, I wish someone would pay me to go to a Spa, even with these people. When you are envying anything about Screech, something is wrong.

April 27, 2007: Celebri-spiral Role Model of the Week-Julia Roberts

2007-04-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

From Pretty Woman to pretty quiet woman, Julia Roberts is still a major box office star and every bit as sought after as younger, more attention-needy-and-in-your-face actresses. Here's a recent shot of her, pregnant with her third child. But do you know anything about her really?

She holds our interest without being an idiot, and she's the queen of the entertaining but unrevealing interview. That's why she's our Celebri-spiral Role Model of the Week.

I love Julia, and have seen her up close and personal as she strictly deals with rabid fans. I was impressed. Yes, she's been there/done that, and we've celebri-spiraled with her over her romances and dramatic, broken engagement to Kiefer Sutherland.

But now she manages to stay in the limelight, appear witty and cheerful, and never reveal a damn thing about herself. I don't know of any celebrity who deflects invasive, personal questions with as much wit and style as she does, often at the expense of some hapless interviewer, who is no match for her quick, condescending wit. She is not one to suffer fools, encourage invasion of her privacy, or complain about the media.

Every week I'll choose one celebrity who exemplifies anti celebri-spiral qualities such as:

Productive, with the attention focused on the work.
Entertaining, without leveraging personal life.
Smart, but not sanctimonious or snotty.
Clearly human, highly likable and relatable , without overstepping TMI boundaries.
Celebrated, but without taint or scandal looming like a black cloud.

Read about the most recent celebri-spiral role model Matt Lauer.

Who would you nominate for future Celebri-spiral Role Models?

April 26, 2007: Drinking the Kool Aid

2007-04-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

This is really scary, but I am starting to think there's some higher purpose, some divine intervention, calling forth these celebrity hurricanes so we can heal our wounds as a nation.

Imus and Hip-Hoppers: racism, sexism, hatin'
Alec Baldwin: parental alienation
Isaiah Washington, Ann Coulter, and a couple of sports stars: homophobia and gay slurs
Bill O'Reilly Vs. Geraldo Rivera: illegal aliens and drunk driving
Richard Gere: wanton kissing in Sodom&Bollywood
Hugh Grant: celebrity torture by paparazzi resulting in hurled baked-beans

Should I immediately cancel my subscriptions to all media? Direct TV, OK!, US...all of it? Do I need a parental blocker for the Internet, too? Just like they have adult diapers modeled after the traditional ones for babies, maybe there should be adult Web blockers that keep you from wasting time on ridiculous celebri-spiraling.

April 25, 2007: Lessons Celebrities Teach Us Part 1: "Kitty, I Forgive You"

2007-04-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

Celebrities teach us things; sometimes by setting an example, sometimes by showing us what not to do. For every Britney and Lindsay showing their private parts as they exit clubs, limos, and back entrances to clubs, there's a famous person who throws out a provocative sound byte that makes you think.

I know I have learned a lot from celebrities, probably things I could have just learned from myself, or from friends, but somehow, hearing it from a celebrity made it seem true. The fact that we pay attention to what celebrities have to say makes little sense sometimes. But then, there's the occasional gem.

Thus begins a new celebri-spiral feature: Things Celebrities Teach Us.

Lots of big, outspoken celebs have died recently; David Halberstam, Boris Yeltsin, Art Buchwald, and Anne Richards, to name a few. In that mix was Kitty Carlisle Hart, who played New York doyenne like no other up until her fabulous and final 96th year.

She was a legend on the game show To Tell The Truth, sometime-actress, sometime-singer, philanthropist, and widow of playwright Moss Hart. But according to Liz Smith, Kitty's best gift to her fans was the psychological advice she followed herself. Every morning she looked in her mirror and said, "Kitty, I forgive you!" before she started her day.

Something for Britney, Lindsay, Paris, and all of us to consider?

April 24, 2007: Buh Bye Rosie

2007-04-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

Rosie is leaving The View, and in the wake of Imus and several other shock jocks on radio and TV, such as the "Flied Lice" firing, we'll hear one less celebrity voice weighing in on everything.

But as summer turns to fall, so then Rosie turns to Star, and we can look forward to The Star Jones show on Court TV this fall.

Funny how these two are taking turns in the overbearing-celebrity
-talk-show-host hot seat.

For as many serious socio-political issues as Rosie tackles-which one can argue contribute to raising consciousness about gay/lesbian rights, gun control, and the Bush administration-will her tenure be remembered as a celebri-spiral of feisty sound bytes about, and overblown feuds with, other celebrities like Donald Trump?

April 23, 2007: Celebri-spiraling Out There in TV Land

2007-04-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

The TV Land 2007 Awards were shown last night and I am still recovering from seeing:

Kelly Ripa parody all my favorite TV show openings, such as "The Brady Bunch", "The Flying Nun," "That Girl," "Mary Tyler Moore" and "Laverne & Shirley" with Cindy Williams looking like Cindy Williams' mom. I am still jealous. How fun would it be to recreate those iconic openings?
Jeff Conaway, the once hot star of Grease and Taxi, barely making it through a quick thank you at the podium when Taxi won the Medallion award. The years, and drugs, have not been kind to him.
Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr., who looks older than his father ever did, honor their mom, Lucille Ball. It's so hard to see your teenage icons like Desi, Jr. get older and really show it. If I am troubled, I can only imagine how Maureen McCormick is handling it.
Sissy and Jody from "Family Affair" acting as stage ushers during the broadcast. OK, Jody weighs 300 pounds if he weighs an ounce. Celebrity Fit Club, look no further than the TV Land awards for your next season.
"The Brady Bunch" kids, who all made classy comments (even attention-needy Greg) and the timeless Carol Brady, Florence Henderson, who looks sexier now than she did in 1970.
The casts of Hee Haw and Roots, both honored and juxtaposed at nearby tables. OK, someone has a sense of humor. Cicely Tyson, Levar Burton and Ben Vereen, meet Roy Clark, Barbie Benton and Misty Rowe.
Lindsay Wagner accepting an award for being the Bionic Woman and then knocking over the podium.

The TV Land awards are like walking back in time for me and seeing friends from my formative years. I have so much vested in those people and shows. On this one night every year, I am reminded how so many of us do.

April 22, 2007: Saturday Brunch with Tammy and the Stars

2007-04-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

Dynamic Tammy Haddad, producer for the Chris Matthew Hardball show, and David Adler, my old friend and founder of the burgeoning BizBash empire, threw a 10th annual brunch before the White House Correspondents Dinner.

The backdrop was a sea of actors and news/entertainment figures like Ann Curry, David Gregory, Tim Daly, and Kerry Washington. It was a great time, but surreal, which is also the best way to describe the dinner itself. Politicos, Media, and Celebrities (in the very broadest use of the word) converge on the Washington Hilton to mix, mingle, see the President, and basically roast the town.

Some of the highlights:

Standing in line for the bathroom with Miss America and her grandmotherly handler, who made a point of saying to me, "Hi, who are you? What do you do?" As soon as I responded, she said in the loudest voice I have heard in years, "Meet Miss America!" I shook Miss A.'s lovely, well-manicured hand, asked her a scintillating and unique question ("What are you enjoying most about your travels?"), and listened to her response, which centered around helping needy kids through the Children's Miracle Network. Duh. Did you think she'd say, "Hanging at Lindsay's cribs and kicking it with hot soap opera studs?" I watched this same pattern repeat as Miss A. circled the buffet line, trying to eat in peace and secretly play with her Crackberry as she deflected typical beauty-contestant-banal questions.
Reconnecting with David, who I've known for twenty years, since we ran around Washington together after I graduated from UVA.
Asking the very charming and gracious Tiki Barber how the first week of his new job as Today Show correspondent went, given that he spent it covering the Virginia Tech shootings. His responses were what you'd expect, but hearing them firsthand was bizarre. I kept thinking that I should stand back to take him in better, as I would from a TV.
Talking with David's father, Warren Adler, a sharp, prolific writer of 29 books including The War of the Roses. It was fun hearing him expound on publishing, current trends, and how fickle an industry it is.

There's not much doubt that the brunch was more fun than the dinner itself, and not as charged. As I wrote in an earlier post, events like the WHCD are inherently conflicted.

Of course, I wanted to ask some of the news stars if events like the White House correspondents dinner feel strange; maybe too much mixing and mingling that cuts into the doggedness with which they are entrusted to pursue important political stories? But I didn't. The brunch was a great party of mostly media reconnecting, not intersecting with the political subjects they cover. So the balance was much different than the dinner.

I heard from friends who attended that emcee Rich Little wasn't funny. But honestly, it's just not a funny time in America right now. Last year, Stephen Colbert's skewering was too close to home, literally, with the President a few feet away scowling at The Daily Show star as he ripped in W's administration. This year, Rich played it safe, and it sounds like it was appropriate, which, of course, bores the audience to tears.

In true celebri-spiral fashion, the major press of this dinner is always reserved for the timeliest celebrity, which as we all know, has nothing to do with cultural contribution, art, or anything else of note. This year, in a crowd that included Jane Fonda, Teri Hatcher, James Denton, and a few others, recent American Idol castoff Sanjaya stole the spotlight, much like Ozzy Osbourne did in 2002, the last time I attended.

According to The Hill's fun recap, even veteran photogs grappled with this one as the off key 17-year-old was swarmed by flash bulbs at the Time magazine party:

A man who has just taken his picture remarks, “It’s retarded. Why am I getting a picture of this guy?”

Good question.

April 21, 2007: Child Stars. Whatever Happened To...?

2007-04-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

This morning I went on an Internet hunt ISO Michael Schoeffling, Eve Plumb, and Kristy McNichol. Do you know who they are?

Answer: Jake Ryan, Jan Brady, and the girl from "Family" and "Little Darlings," a teen movie that only Matt Dillon survived with career intact.

I can't say why I woke up nostalgic, wanting to revisit some of those actors who I related to when I was a teenager. But there I was, drinking coffee and remembering how much I:

Liked Jake Ryan's characters in Sixteen Candles and Mermaids; he was the ideal teenage guy of my teenage era. No one else came close. It was James Dean, then teen idols like Keith Partridge, then him.
Loved all the older kids in The Brady Bunch, but Eve is the only one who never shows her face now so I am most curious about her. I also liked her in the Dawn, Portrait of a Teenage Runaway movies with Leigh McCloskey. I used to imagine running away with both of them and living on the streets of Venice Beach as they did, with a bunch (pun intended) of other misunderstood teens.
Related to Kristy, the daughter on Family, my 70's favorite show for a couple of formative years. I used to watch their so-called dramas and think this is nothing compared to real life, but still it was the only show that attempted to show a darker side of family life. I could tell that Kristy, who is about my age, agreed with me, and that drew me into the weekly story. Plus, big surprise, she played a tomboy named "Buddy" who might as well have worn rainbow beads and played the Indigo Girls. The first really obvious teenage gay character on TV? Maybe.

I spent fifteen minutes finding three former actors, who had a white hot fifteen minutes of fame at least two decades ago, via this site. It updates you on their lives since their entertainment heyday. I am curious the child stars who made an impression on me when I was a teen, and where life has taken them. Were they done when they left, ready to move on? Or, did the offers dry up, and if so, were they bitter about that?

Unlike the child stars who OD (Dana Plato), move to Lifetime movies and industry slots at SAG (Melissa Gilbert), or simply refuse to leave until the last, exhausted-15- minutes -of-fame-breath is sucked out in his presence (Danny Bonaduce), these three keep a mighty low profile.

Want to know what happened to them? Here's the update on Michael, Eve, and Kristy.

Which child stars are you curious about, and why?

April 20, 2007: Happy Father's Day Alec Baldwin

2007-04-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

This phone call caused me to have a complete celebri-spiral. It's one thing to read about celebrities behaving badly; it's another to experience it on tape. On the call, an enraged Alec Baldwin, who clearly needs to head back to Anger Management classes, unleashes a volcanic tirade of threats and insults on his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland, calling her a "thoughtless little pig," and bashing his ex, Kim Basinger.

TMZ obtained the whole thing "unfiltered and raw" (dramatic Web copy, TMZ. Brava!) I mean, I hate it when my nieces don't answer their cell phones, but going all "Thea-tuh Actor" meets "The Sopranos" on your kid is not going to win you a Father of the Year award.

The tape cost Baldwin his visitation rights, at least temporarily, and I have a feeling a few publishing execs are praying there's an "out" clause in Alec's book contract to pen a tome on fathers facing divorce and custody issues. Um, maybe Kevin Federline should write this instead now.

Or, maybe someone should write a guide for celebrities so that they understand how to win on the new digital playing field, which records their every movement, drunken fall, panty-less escapade, and voicemail message. Instead of running the bases with ease, many of them are getting knocked out by the ball. Call the book "From here to youtube in less than an hour."

As for today's latest celebri-spiral, doesn't the Baldwin-Basinger marriage and subsequent divorce make War of the Roses seem like Ozzie and Harriet Have a Spat?

April 19, 2007: New Celebri-spiral Reality Show! Raising Danni-lynn Annagurl Birkhead

2007-04-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

Oh come now. Did you really, really think this was over? It's not over. It's just beginning.

I am going on the record today with a prediction. Within three months, a deal will be inked for a new reality series based on Larry Birkhead raising his and Anna Nicole's baby daughter.

Possible series titles:

1. Attagirl, Annagurl
2. Daddy Blondest
3. Daddy's Not a Professor (with Juliet Mills as the nanny)
4. She's a Rich Girl (with theme from Hall & Oates)
5. Fathers Know Best (with Howard K. Stern as "Wally")
6. Larry, Ho, and Cutie

What would you name the show? And will you send me a dollar in the mail if my prediction is correct?

I hereby make a promise to never watch it, not once, ever. How do you feel about it?

April 18, 2007: Global Bollywood Celebri-spiral

2007-04-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

So glad to see the world has its priorities in order, as lawyers file suit against Richard Gere for his showy Hollywood kiss of an Indian actress.

It's not like he peed on her, people. Dammit, this is what I hate most about celebri-spiraling; that is, my misbegotten need to defend celebrities like Richard Gere, whose worst crime is a showman's eagerness to hog the spotlight.

So when will the American Gigolo references start? Blogosphere, I am waiting for the predictable moment that I know will come.

Please, global rioters, I beg of you, let love lift us up where we belong.

And celebrities, please think twice when traveling. No liquids, weapons, or PDA! When will the violent kissing stop?

April 17, 2007: Celebrities for Gun Control and An Idiot-in-Chief Who Makes Me Celebri-spiral

2007-04-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

Surrounded by junk food and escapist magazines, one with an incredibly important update on Jen and Angie (Feuding! Simmering! Splitting! Plotting!), I wasn't very successful at escaping last evening, as televised coverage of the Virginia Tech massacre played in the background like a bad, broken record.

After all, as Jossip notes, how do you get excited by network execs opting to show Dancing With The Stars, Deal or No Deal and Two and a Half Men rather than risk alienating advertisers by covering the deadliest school shooting incident in U.S. history?

Maybe the lack of escape was a good thing. I found this while surfing the Internet:

The NRA has posted a list of organizations and celebrities that have lent monetary, grassroots or some other type of direct support to gun control legislation (which they call anti-gun, of course).

The list encompasses just about every decent organization I can think of, and includes some surprising celebrities (Boys II Men, VIP protection expert Gavin de Becker, NBA star Rick Fox), as well as the usual suspects (Streisand, the two Democratic Baldwin brothers, Jane Fonda).

So while this tragedy renewed calls for tighter gun controls, our genius in the White House had the audacity to quickly cut them off, as noted feverishly in The Huffington Post's You're a Monster, Mr. President. The article excoriates W's so-called expression of sympathy that reinforced his policy to vigorously enforce the right to bear arms. Timely, Mr. President! Timely!

Most of the leading presidential candidates put out statements expressing their horror at the killings, but none mentioned that my home state of Virginia has some of the most lax gun laws in the country or that, according to The Washington Post, The Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence reports no measurable gun control success in the eight years since Columbine.

Speaking of which, what will Michael Moore have to say, especially in the wake of his film Bowling for Columbine, which spotlighted on-campus shootings and America's relationship with guns? The one really scary, discernible difference between then and now is a lack of shock. How inured have we become to this level of social violence?

Other questions I'm thinking about today:

Which celebrities will back gun control causes when even Rosie O'Donnell said today on The View that the NRA is "organized," "scary" "they have guns" and, she says, it's "impossible" to fight them?
Isn't this a great example of how huge news stories disappear the second a bigger story trumps them? News magazines like Time and Newsweek show Imus on the cover and that story feels like it's done, which is unfortunate, because the real conversation had just started.

April 16, 2007: A Truly Sad Day Puts Headlines in Perspective

2007-04-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today, after seeing reports of the The Virginia Tech massacre, I have the "celebrity culture is stupid and meaningless, as is laughter, ambition, and just about everything other than friends and family" feeling that we all had after 9-11.

Sadly, ironically, here's one of the Fox News headlines from earlier today: Virginia Gun Dealers Hold Contest to Protest New York Mayor Bloomberg's Gun Policy. What is it going to take to change our ridiculous gun policies in this country? Where is the lack of tolerance for that issue, when we have a seemingly endless supply of it for just about everything else?

Where are the celebrities for this cause? I truly wonder what the anti-gun control crowd thinks about when they hears that some lunatic, who probably got his firearm quicker than I can get through the checkout line at Walmart, shot up a bunch of college kids? How would someone like NRA-loving-movie-icon-with-a-man-wig-worse-than-Burt-Reynolds Charlton Heston react, if he wasn't dying of Alzheimers right now, spared from seeing today's carnage?

After the rallying cry around Imus, which now feels like the lone BB gun shot heard 'round the world, I wonder which notables will rally for gun control to rectify the cacophony of semi-automatic rapid fire shots from not one, but two, automatic weapons that felled Virginia Tech?

April 15, 2007: Robbie's Celebri-spiral Video: She's Madonna

2007-04-15T07:35:00.000-07:00

In his new Madonna celebri-spiral video, Robbie blows off every trannie in town, including super-surreal post-op Alexis Arquette, to have "drinks with Kate and Stella" and meet "Gwyneth and her fella."

The moral of the video is touching: why waste time with a 1) guy, 2) girl or 3) genderless crackwhore from Brighton (it's Robbie; could be any of the three) when you can suck up to a celebrity?

"I love you baby, but face it, she's Madonna."

This is the extended, funnier, and well-worth-the-spoken-intro version.

April 14, 2007: Take Today's Celebri-spiral Poll

2007-04-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

Full of celebrity crap? Then keep saying to yourself, "Imus rest, Imus rest," and take that breather along with me, people. No more of the scary, vilified man in the cowboy hat for awhile. Instead, turn your attention to Ad Age's latest poll, which is right up the ol' celebri-alley.

The most recent poll topic: after years of an exponentially expanding celebrity-obsessed culture, you thought the public's appetite for Britney's bare head, Katie's romantic prison and Anna Nicole's early death could never be sated. But the weeklies that peddle those stories are, it seems, finally hitting a ceiling. Even though publishers and beach readers say it ain't so, there are suddenly several reasons to believe that the giants of gossip are maxing out.

Warped celebri-spiral readers know that I wrote about this a few days ago. Since Ad Age has not published the results yet, what do you think? Based on our limited celebri-world view, is America's seemingly insatiable appetite for celebrity magazines finally starting to wane?

Then, get revved-up-judgmental and let us know if, dammit, it should wane.

April 13, 2007: Put a Band Aid on My Imus Celebri-spiral

2007-04-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Fire Imus. Yeah, that will solve everything.

We're all in a celebri-spiral over irrelevant, tasteless, and judgment-free Imus. But firing him is a band aid. Worse, I fear it means the conversation about race and what's OK to say on air stops instead of doing what it really needs to do, which is continue.

I am the last person who'd defend Imus, but where is the equanimity?

I love Coach Vivian Stringer, who said smart things like "I don't know if I will forgive Imus. I may. But forgiveness has to be felt" and then, today, forgave him. She and the Rutgers players seem smart, heartfelt and true. They truly have my respect.

My gripe is the demagogues who've taken to their podiums, pounding fists and saying we need to defend from people who demean others.

Oh really? Then why don't Al "Tawana Brawley" Sharpton and Jesse “Hymietown” Jackson criticize the rap artists who write/sing about killing hos, bitches, and fags?

Speaking of fags, during this sad, long week, Roseanne bashed gays:

"Never once in my 54 years have I ever once heard a gay or lesbian person who’s politically active say one thing about anything that was not about them. They don’t care about minimum wage, they don’t care about any other group other than their own self because you know, some people say being gay and lesbian is a totally narcissistic thing and sometimes I wonder. I’ve never heard any of them say anything except for 'accept me ‘cause I’m gay.' It’s just, it’s screwed. It’s no different than the evangelicals, it’s the same mindset. They want you to accept Jesus and you guys want us to all believe its ok to be gay."

Um, what about the three anti-war demonstrations, four Susan G. Komen breast cancer races, four pro-choice marches, letters to Congress about our many children left behind in a country conflicted over reasonable national standards, and other contributions to causes that have absolutely zero to with my being gay?

If someone poked a microphone in my face and asked me my opinion of her comments, I hope that I'd be as articulate as poised and strong Coach Stringer.

But no one bothers Roseanne. She slurs on the radio with a free pass. It's not only Roseanne.

Michael Richards is excoriated and rightfully so. Mel Gibson, too. But they are not on public airwaves, and it remains to be seen if market demand for their work has been hit. In the last year, however, there've been other choice abuses on our federally regulated airwaves that have gone unpunished:

Rosie O'Donnell knocks Asians. Has she left The View? No.
Ann Coulter calls Clinton, Gore, and John Edwards "fags." Banned? No. Nothing happens.
Isaiah Washington calls co-worker a fag. Post rehab, he's still on air.
NBA player Tim Hardaway says "(Gays) shouldn't be in the world or in the United States." Has he been shot down in a meaningful way? Nah.

And if Imus said the women's basketball team were a bunch of rowdy dykes, his scandal would have died, too.

My point is that, as a country, people, and as media watchdogs, we are very selective when we choose the focus of our outrage, and how to express those deep-seated feelings that fuel our speech, actions and, sometimes worse, our unexpressed thoughts.

Anyone seen Crash lately?

The other racial story this week is well under the media radar. Where's the statement from Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson apologizing to the now exonerated Duke Lacrosse players? How does a prosecutor say that no further criminal investigation is planned? Why is the exotic dancer-sorry, I mean stripper-getting off without a possible fraud investigation now if withheld exonerating evidence that might disbar the prosecutor prove that charges were false?

If hatchet-ready CBS is serious about improving race relations, will they look at their music business arm? Or was the decision all about money?

We expend about as much critical analysis of these choices as Bush and Co. did in choosing Saddam Hussein, of all possible evil-bad-guy-dictators, to go after in the misbegotten Iraq war.

Face it, Imus is an easy target. His remarks are inexcusable and he's unlikable, especially amid talk of other racial commentary and cancer camp impropriety.

But what comes after the likely suspects climb down from their demagoguery soapboxes? Will we hold Al Sharpton accountable for all the high minded things he's proposing? Why don't we note in three months if rap/hip hop changes, or if he ever brings up Duke's Lacrosse players again?

If this sad Imus episode becomes an opportunity for people to have conversations about race and public discourse, that would be a great outcome from an unfortunate, hurtful remark. If one young African American girl feels like there's an army of defenders out there to protect her from bigots, unlike what many experienced when we were the targets of mean, hurtful comments, yet too little to defend ourselves, then I am glad.

Still, there are many unanswered questions. Will there be standards for all to uphold, on airwaves and in life? Will people look into their hearts, dig a little deeper, understand themselves a little better, and pay attention to the relationship between words and context, without hiding behind the falsity of political correctness?

I hope that this celebri-spiral leads to substantial, balanced dialogue, addressing real issues of race that fester in this country. But if it's just another passing celebri-spiral, then what a waste. Skip the band aid. Take the opportunity this latest "crash" provides to heal the wound.

April 12, 2007: White Rabbit's Celebri-spiral Ode to Imus

2007-04-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

By this point, what's left to say about Imus and the "ho" shots heard 'round the world?

MSNBC dumped him. CBS suspended him from radio, and as the advertisers flee, how long before they give him the boot, too? The women's basketball team of Rutgers is so earnest and appealing that he looks worse by the minute. Now there are allegations of previous racial comments and improprieties at the cancer ranch. All of this before he makes an apology at the school to those young women, and the world, and we see if he moves the dial in his favor at all. I never liked him, but I'm hinging my opinion on the damnation by fellow shock jock Howard Stern. So take that with the largest acre of salt you can find.

Most importantly, he's causing me to have a total celebri-spiral, in which I am Lost in Imus-land and the World of the Haters.

Instead of taking an Alice-like-dive through the I HATE IMUS looking glass, I composed this little ditty to get me through my Imus celebri-spiral.

(Sung to the tune of "White Rabbit")

One show makes you larger
And one slur makes you small
And the slurs that guests throw to you
Don't keep you on the ball!
Go ask Imus
When he's two feet tall

And if you go dribbling caca
And don't know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking bloviator
Has given you the call
Recall Imus
When he was just as small

White men on the radio
Think they know how far to go
And you just had some kind of mushroom
And think you're a frat boy with your bro
Go ask Imus
I think he'll know

When logic and a muzzle
Were never on your head
And the team coach defends her Forwards
And Al Sharpton's "off with his head!"
Remember what Mel and Kramer said:
"Dude you're dead,
Dude you're dead,
Dude you're dead"

April 11, 2007: Celebri-spiral Role Model of the Week

2007-04-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

Where in the world is Matt Lauer, you ask? Well, he's right here as our first Celebri-spiral Role Model of the Week.

Every week I'll choose one celebrity who exemplifies anti celebri-spiral qualities such as:

Productive, with the attention focused on the work.
Entertaining, without leveraging personal life.
Smart, but not sanctimonious or snotty.
Clearly human, highly likable and relatable , without overstepping TMI boundaries.
Celebrated, but without taint or scandal looming like a black cloud.

I watch Matt every morning on The Today Show. He's smart, stylish, funny, and very famous. But despite the fact that tabloids whisper about separation/divorce, and he's asked personal questions all the time, he never goes there. He avoids the dark side of celebrity and stays on the sunny side of the street. I enjoy Matt and feel that he'd much rather hang out with me than obnoxious, obtuse Al Roker, but does he make me celebri-spiral? No. Give him the damn award.

Who would you nominate for future Celebri-spiral Role Models?

April 10, 2007: Larry and I Have News!

2007-04-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

Celebri-spiral Special Alert! Based on today's DNA hearing, my boyfriend Larry Birkhead and I will be raising Dannielynn (and changing her name) in WEHO.

Photographers captured the happy looks on our faces as soon as the verdict was announced (That's me hugging our new nanny, and Larry outside court).

Once Larry and I get home, her new name will be Tiffanylynn Annagurl Birkhead-Singleton.

Larry and I couldn't be happier. We're staying in tonight, redoing his highlights and working on our joint blog post.

We're tired of hugging Howard, so we're friend-tiering him. He is soooooo D-list as of now. Virgie is celebrating with a Big Mac, fries, and a box of Cheez It. She can't wait to take T-lynn to Payless Shoes for some shopping, and then to Wendy's for the Virgie special: fries dipped in a Frosty. Yeah, that will happen. Back to Texas with you, Granny Clampett!

April 9, 2007: Celebrity Magazines Are Falling! It's a Celebri-Sky-Fall

2007-04-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

Celebrity magazines are falling! Celebrity magazines are

F
A
L
L
I
N
G!

Oh shut up and quit having a celebri-spiral, Chicken Celebri-little!

Maybe it's just a cycle. Or, maybe not? Here are the facts:

* Star cuts its reported circulation!
* OK! misses its rate base!
* Growth slows at US!

According to today's Ad Age's article Guess Who's Not Getting Any Fatter! Celeb Mags Max Out (shout out to reader futurejunkie for providing tip), celebrity coverage has hit the fan, the wall, or the ground, depending on where you sit in the hen house.

Can you just picture bloodbaths the color of the red carpet, as pink-slipped celebri-journalists slip their exclusives-in-progress into secret coat pocket compartments before Security escorts them out the back door of American Media?

Is waning interest to blame? Doubtful. Blame TMZ.

Or, this could be a blip, who knows?

Still, it's fun to speculate that the celebrity magazine sky is falling.

Don't you like the thought of Bonnie "Foxy Loxy" Fuller and Janice "Cocky Lockey" Min panicking after "Chicken Licken" Ad Age dropped an acorn of a report on their heads?

April 8, 2007: Jimmy Kimmel Takes on Paparazzi But Gawker Takes the Hit

2007-04-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

Did you see Jimmy Kimmel filling in for Mr. Suspenders on Larry King Live? He's now Jimmy the pitbull as far I am concerned.

The topic was paparazzi; here's the transcript. Jimmy took them on, but as this YouTube clip attests, he really went after Gawker with guns blazing. Gawker lied about his alcohol consumption, and he took Gawker editor Emily Gould to task for Gawker's reporting of unsubstantiated facts, going so far to note that even US Magazine fact checks (gulp). If that wasn't bad enough, the silly GawkerStalker site spurred a "this will cause the next John Lennon!!" furor among the lowlife panelists, who, in true paparazzi fashion, went below the belt to get an opportunistic shot.

It was an awesome show, and those of us who follow celebrity culture took a hit, too, right along with Emily. She should have conceded that Gawker is the funny Spy Magazine of online celebrity web sites, instead of grabbing at straws to defend its journalistic integrity.

See it on repeat if you can; the other guests included:

Two paparazzi photogs were on, including Peter Brant and the dude who took the pictures of panty-less Britney. He went to UCLA and got a Political Science degree. Way to use it, bro!
PR guy Howard Brantman, who hates the paparazzi, but forgot to concede that his clients who want to be stars actually kiss the paparazzi's ass.
Ryan Smith , reporter for OK! magazine, which pays celebrities for coverage. Smith finally coughed that nugget up after interrogation by Jimmy, who could at least score a role as detective on CSI: Miami after his guest host shot.
Larry King veteran Mark Geragos, who we know from the Michael Jackson and Laci Peterson trials. He came off the best, which says everything.
Reichen Lehmkuhl, who was asked about the paparazzi's impact on his relationship with Lance Bass. Poor Reichen thought this was about him. Wrong. What did Lance think? How was Lance impacted? In fact, where is Lance right now?

Gotta love this self-serving exchange:

LEHMKUHL: Well, I mean that's not a war I would even waste any energy fighting. It's just -- you know there are people out there who are going to write things that are not true. I mean we were just talking with this woman Emily; obviously, you let her know that she had no point and that she did not know what she was talking about. And it was really obvious because I completely relate to that. There have been so many times where things have been written about me in relation to my relationship that became very public and it just simply wasn't true. And yes, that's something that upsets me.

KIMMEL: Mark Geragos is with us.

LEHMKUHL: But it might not upset someone else.

KIMMEL: Mark...

LEHMKUHL: I mean I'm not like a...

KIMMEL: Excuse me, Reichen.

April 7, 2007: Star Jones and the "CEO of What's Good" News

2007-04-07T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today's celebri-spiral special is beef and snow peas, with wonton soup and a heaping, steaming portion of Spinning Star Blowfish.

Ms. Jones-Reynolds has been everywhere this week, with a hot new look and endless copy on her upcoming Court TV gig (planned for fall 2007), which I wrote about earlier this year. Radar Magazine covers the strange coincidence numerous media outlets touting Star Jones Reynolds Exclusives! this week, hearkening back to the crazed, celebri-spiralish media stunts she performed back in her bridezilla days.

TMZ's way of coping with Star influx this week was to offer Star Jones paper dolls. Well, if you can't get an "exclusive," I guess you might as well cut her.

But what really made me cast my eye toward future celebri-spirals caused by Star were her quotes in OK Magazine (in Ital):

OK: And who is the real Star Jones?
SJR: Someone who really cares and is passionate about law and how it impacts real people every day. I'm so excited that at this time in our culture, law, politics, pop culture, and entertainment are converging on each other.

OK, does anyone besides me flag this response for its irony? She loves how law impacts real people, but her real thrill is that law and celebrity pop-culture are converging? The two have just about ZERO correlation. More likely, Star will get some hopped-up producers who'll beg, borrow, and steal to land the next Anna Nicole Smith media event. And we know how much that case impacted real people.

OK: Have you been following the latest pop-culture legal battles?
SJR: Absolutely, I am a news junkie.

Pop-culture legal battles and news. News and pop-culture legal battles. Hmmm. And the connection would be...? And her point is? And she defines "news" as...?

OK: How do you get your news?
SJR: I'm a big Internet watcher and I love cable news. I'm a big Court TV watcher. I watch CNN, Fox, NBC, CNBC. It moves quickly. You want to keep up with what people are talking about because the consumer is CEO of what's good.

When it comes to news and media coverage, the consumer is not the CEO of what's good. That's a terrifying thought. The fact that the Internet moves quickly has a pro and con. Sure, we all want tomorrow's news today. But speed sometimes means that information escapes completely or slips too easily past vetted news filters, which is what we need more of right now. We don't need more of Star Jones Reynolds spinning a new show that might as well be called US Goes To Court.

It's not that a new celebrity court show is coming. It's that she's contributing to what some of us immersed in celebrity culture have flagged as questionable. Is it helpful for her to blur the line between journalism and celebrity gossip by making celebrity stories seem more important than they really are? Call the show what it is; celebrity court cases that have absolutely no relevance for most of us, but they sure are fun to watch. Stop pretending.

Anticipating her new show, and her rationalizing spin about celebrity court cases impacting the lives of real people, makes me want to change the channel before jumping headfirst into this Coming Soon! fiery, celebri-spiral hell.

April 6, 2007: Celebri-spiraling in Washington, D.C.'s Fishbowl

2007-04-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

After writing this past week about DC's trifecta of overwrought gladhanding and boundary crossing dinners ( April 1, 2007: Crossing the Line Part Deux-Gridiron Dinner and March 31, 2007: What We Call The Celebri-spiraling News), I was disappointed to see Patrick Gavin's Fishbowl DC post Uh-Oh...Somebody Needs To Call This Writer A Waaaaa-mbulance.

The post mocks Hamilton Nolan of PR Week, who notes in his article entitled Joke is On the Press at Annual DC Dinners that there's a conflict of interest for reporters who get so damn cozy with the people they cover when they cavort with them at events like the Gridiron and White House Correspondents Dinner. Ummm, did he lie? He's stating the obvious, at a very charged and divisive time in our nation's history, when the administration these reporters cover is, by many accounts, the most secretive and media-manipulating of its time. If ever there was a time for church-and-state-ish division between reporters and elected officials, it's now.

If you want to be snarky, which is fine by me, then I prefer Gawker's ever so slight re-edit of Hamilton Nolan's article, which riffs on the celebrity-media-flavored, skanky, and tarnished boundary crossings that contribute to global celebri-spirals, not just the politically-infused ones we experience inside D.C.'s beltway. As someone who's celebri-spiraled all over the globe, I have no problem pointing the finger of responsibility for market demand back at negligent consumers like me.

But to ridicule Nolan's basic thesis by saying he's whining and needs to call a Waaaaaaa-mbulance is to strip down and hop into bed with the dark side, if you ask me.

What is Fishbowl's point? Is the blog part of the same incestuous culture that Hamilton Nolan criticizes in his piece? Fishbowl DC dispenses loads of unjustified adulation not just on major media companies and journalists, who Patrick probably hopes will give him a job one day, but on politicians and officials that the press are supposed to be covering dispassionately. It seems to me that Gavin's blog just proves Nolan's point every day.

As a reader of Celebri-spiral told me, the fact that the ostensible DC media blogger is not only totally down with celebrity worship culture, but also throws such school yard insults at someone who criticizes the practice, is a sad commentary on the state of journalism in this town.

April 5, 2007: Gawker Invited Me to Studio 54, Celebri-spiral to Follow

2007-04-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

When Gawker invited me to be an official poster last week (it's by invite only), it was, in some small way, as if Steve Rubell personally pulled back the velvet rope and into the hallowed disco Studio 54 I lept. Studio, as the insiders called it, is the place I most wanted to go when I was in 10th grade. Now, here I am, slipping past the pop culture blog rope.

The questionable facts behind both events are ridiculous (Who waits in line hoping to be chosen and allowed club entry by some hackneyed Queens disco pioneer? Why do you need an invite to post on somebody else's blog?). But the feeling is a flash of acceptance, hearkening back to some high school place in my reverie. I get to play with a select group of cool people! Even if we are all misguided in our celebrity focus, Gawker writers are the sharpest and funniest.

I know that, on some level, Gawker commenting is making me celebri-spiral backslide big time.

But I don't care right now. My attention is focused on a new Gawker post entitled This Week in Commenter Executions, in which Gawker publicly rids itself of the unwanted:

We've got the Grindhouse fever and there's only one known cure, short of actually seeing Grindhouse: execute the bejesus out of a boatload of commenters. Block 'em all and let God sort 'em out. Let's do it. Execution is just that: banishment. Beheading. Public death. The big check-out. Y'all may check the Gawker Comments FAQ. It is also true that banned commenters may return through our invitation. The best way to receive such is to send us cookies (peanut butter, please) or charming and juicy gossip-filled emails.

This post makes my heart stop for a second. Am I on the list? Please God, no. I mean, of course, I want to be on the list, but not this list. Kapish? Is my Gawker career over almost as soon as it started? No, I am safe for now. Damn, Gawker is smart in how they approach postings and posters. Now, where are Liza and Andy?

April 4, 2007: Tucker Carlson Celebri-spiraler?

2007-04-04T17:54:00.000-07:00

I guess so, based on this remark:

"You can mock the New York Post, but let's face it, it is the leading edge in trends in the media" - Tucker Carlson on MSNBC.

I give him credit for saying it. It's not a high-brow comment to make. The intelligentsia will publicly sniff at him, but secretly stuff The Post under their arms as if hiding a dirty tabloid.

But what he says is the absolute truth. With the convergence of celebrity and the omnipresent and all-powerful Oz also known as "media," the New York Post regularly breaks news and is the content source, from which other media outlets borrow. Do you read it? Even if you don't, you read other things that leverage it.

April 3, 2007: Fug It Like Beckham

2007-04-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help myself today. My friend C-Saw! recounted a handful of funny Go Fug Yourself moments at dinner. While I tried holding my hands to my ears singing lalalalalalalalala, I found myself on the fashion site later that night.

Fug and Fugs is funny and feeds my Beckham curiosity. I just wanted to skip working and hang out with Heather and Jessica, and, by the way, I so don't believe those are their real names.

Enjoy sample celeb-envy-laden dialogue from the post:

POSH: Don't be a prat.

BECKS: Look, I was getting sick of waiting. It took you two hours to pick your shoes. Who spends two hours picking out shoes to go with pants that don't even SHOW them, Vic?

POSH: Oh, well, fine, if you don't CARE about the details. Although coming from someone who couldn't be arsed to tuck in his shirt before throwing on grandpa's cardigan...

BECKS: Pipe down, Simon Le Bon. I'm not ALLOWED to have closet time while you're still deciding, remember?

POSH: And I expect you're going to blame that hat on me, too, now.

BECKS: It's the only thing I could find that might help me hide.

POSH: Our reality show is going to be bloody brilliant.

The problem is that you want to like him. Alot. And she is just impossible to get behind. And the whole thing just makes no sense. Should we access our inner British upper crust and turn our well-rouged cheeks away from them?

April 2, 2007: GOP Hooker Du Jour Causes Celebri-spiral

2007-04-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

While I am celebri-spiraling this week in, around, and about Washington, D.C., can we note this ridiculous exchange between Radar Magazine and Matt Sanchez, the GOP's latest sleazy male hooker with a heart of ~~gold~~-crack?

This is from my friends at Gawker, which just this week invited me to become an official poster, thereby ensuring many more celebri-spirals to come:

Today, Radar gets with Matt Sanchez, the adult film actor turned adult GOP mascot. (Both careers require someone to have some fingers in him!) It gets really weird. For one:

Radar: "Are you not attracted to men anymore?"
GOP Hooker Du Jour: "I never said I was in the first place. Gay men are like fundamentalist Muslims. If you leave their religion they have to send out a fatwa and demand your execution."

Fatwa, my ass. I'd go to his tongue-ectomy, though. I am proud of my fellow Gawker posters who IMHO outdid themselves on the subsequent comments.

April 1, 2007: Crossing the Line Part Deux-Gridiron Dinner

2007-04-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

For people like me, conflicted over celebrity culture consumption, it's a great thing to have events like the Gridiron Dinner, a traditional schmooze-fest in Washington.

As Linton Weeks notes in his article Stand-Up Comity, One Night Only: At the Gridiron Dinner, a Splitting And Joining of Sides, the dinner affords a chance for journalists and politicos to literally dance around issues of import.

The seasonal Spring line-crossing trifecta in D.C. is made up of the Gridiron, the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner, and the White House Correspondents Dinner, which I've been to a few times myself. In years past, the politico two-step hasn't seemed so...well, unseemly. At least to me. But these are ugly times for a nation conflicted over the war that's costing our country $8 billion a month.

What I get out of these three dinners is simple-sanctimony! I get to feel superior. I may check out US, or spend too much time on Gawker. But at least I'm not dancing and clapping with the people who lie to me all week, spinning me around the ballroom at night, after spinning me around the briefing room all day.

I'm trying to keep the blog posts, and celebri-spiral mission, funny. The problem with sanctimony is that it's only funny if you get really sanctimonious about it. I'm not there yet, are you?

Give me time and a hitching post to get on my high horse.

March 31, 2007: What We Call The Celebri-spiraling News

2007-03-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen the latest JibJab video, here is What We Call The News, with a wacky but fair assessment of celebri-spiraling news standards, which have worsened over the last few years.

Appropriately, it made its debut at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner, which had some ick-worthy moments, especially this gross Karl Rove rap, and "corresponding" David Gregory clap-dance. Read Politico's coverage for a good analysis of the fallout. Talk about crossing the line. Is there even a line to cross anymore, other than perhaps a Conga line?

March 30, 2007: Join My Friday Celebri-Purge

2007-03-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

I stop for a second, close my eyes and see before me a week's worth of celebrity images that dance like cracked-out sugarplums in the childish, dreamlike recesses of my mind. By blogging these thoughts and images, I will purge them from my mind and start fresh, which is my goal.

I am not going into my weekend thinking about any of the following:

That woman's coroner report with its black and white celebration of her pink hair extensions, tattoos, and unremarkable anus.
Virgie Arthur in a moo-moo, racing across the street from her Bahamian Hotel to score a Big Mac and fries, as media reporters caught the quite familiar scene on tape yet again. Hey, mamasita, go see SuperSize Me, OK?
Sanjaya's flaming faux-hawk, and by the way, the hair isn't all that's flaming. I saw way too many interviews with Princess Jasmine Sanjaya, and her Weho Idol Stylist. For one last time before you purge, play with the Washington Post's online paper doll cut-outs of Sanjaya hair options. (thanks to Sabotrix for sending). Before your final celebri-fare-thee-well, check out the numerous similarities between Sanjaya and Mowgli from Jungle Book.
Britney's divorce and custody agreement finalized. Britney and Kevin split the trailer, and Promises gets the kids.
Halle Berry and her suicide attempt a couple of decades ago. Maya and Oprah need to swoop in and do an intervention on Halle, or at least tape her drama-queen mouth shut. Forget trying to be the recent Oscar winner with the saddest, toughest past. Charlize "My mother shot my father and she'll shoot you, too, if you don't shut the fuck up" Theron and Hillary "I lived in a VW until I was 23" Swank have cornered that market.
More down home sadness for the Judd's as Wy files for a big-old-Tammy-Wynette-style d-i-v-o-r-c-e from wacko husband who faces sexual battery charges against a minor.
Jonathan Rhys Myers and his pouty lips, which are everywhere as The Tudors premieres on Showtime. He might be a fem metrosexual in real life, as Scarlett Johanson revealed when she said he was only interested in shoe shopping. But he does a bang up job playing a macho lust machine. Still, I have to let him go. It's not healthy.
The unrelenting schadenfreude of possible jail time for Paris.
Ricky Martin's support for gay pop stars. Not him, of course. As he once told Oprah, when he thinks about those things too much, he just does yoga. Yeah, bring on the down dog, baby. It's just like that.
The fabulous I Heart Huckabees Blowup Video between Lily Tomlin and David O. (stands for O-h My God, I Am Deranged) Russell, and the blissful rumor that George Clooney leaked it.

What's on your Friday Celebri-purge list?

March 29, 2007: Dean and Britta. No Celebri-spiral Needed

2007-03-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

When I was in Arizona last month, I discovered Lux, the amazacular coffee shop/art gallery in Phoenix.

Happy in Phoenix at some cool hangout in the hot desert? Was I experiencing a mirage? No. It was over-the-top-great coffee, food, design, people, and music. I spent a lot of time there, writing, getting wired on the java, and listening to music that the Assistant Manager played.

She focused on a group called Luna, and I learned that they were fronted by Dean Wareham and Britta Phillips, who ended Luna and became simply Dean and Britta. Think retro 60's Dusty Springfield meets Nancy Sinatra with Lee Hazelwood meets a trance-loungey vibe.

I don't know anything about D&B other than their music, pictures, and what little their website tells me. I am going to see them tonight at DC's Black Cat, and I can't wait.

Some of the best times I have had this year have been discovering musicians and seeing their concerts; Josh Groban, Josh Ritter, and now Dean and Britta. All of these discoveries were referrals from people. I didn't see these artists getting trashed at Diddy's St. Tropez party, dating Tara Reid, or puking with Lindsay Lohan on the cover of Star Magazine.

I experience great satisfaction when I break out of this celebri-spiraling culture and discover art, movies, music, books, and life without the faded, dirty tinsel of celebrity driving either the product or my interest in it.

The music is plenty edgy. What it does to the imagination is edgy, too. So don't give me grief about being too sentimental or taking a break from the faux-edge of celebri-crap.

No celebri-spiral, or trashy celebri-marketing, was needed to get them on my radar. Their new album is Back Numbers. Check it out.

March 28, 2007: Spring Cleaning, Buh Bye Celebri-spiral Magazines

2007-03-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

It's spring cleaning time and first steps first. I traverse my home collecting an unwieldy collection of stray magazines, put them in a pile, and wonder how I will ever get through them, knowing that I am incapable of throwing them out before checking them out,

Too much media, not enough time to go through it all, and an inability to just say no; this is my Mt. Everest.

I am not willing to admit where I get these magazines; well, OK, maybe I will tell you. Some I buy, some I "find", some are donated by friends who save their US magazines for me, knowing I am too conflicted to fork over the $3.49 to buy my own.

But there they are. Vanity Fair issues calling out Old Hollywood, US magazine with "shocking revelations" about that woman whose name I shall no longer utter, and The Advocate, with this month's gay-friendly celebrity du jour.

The celebrity media rags sit in a pile taunting me, along with a few copies of Men's Health, House Beautiful, and Esquire, ostensibly focused on fitness, home, and writing, respectively. But the truth is that each of these also features celebs on the cover. Read us, read us. But no, I hold back. For now. One lone issue of Real Simple is set apart, espousing the joys of simplicity. That one is a keeper. I might cancel my subscription to Entertainment Tonight in favor of Horse and Hound, We'll see. But for now, the stack sits in my kitchen untouched.

March 27, 2007: Anna, Sweet Baby Anna, Stop Me Before I Read More

2007-03-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

It is my intention to never read or watch more about Anna Nicole Smith.

While minding my own business, I am overtaken by the tidal wave of announcements about her official cause of death.

I don't want to know, but I can't help myself. I turn on Entertainment Tonight, only to find that Mark Steines is....on vacation? Whaaaaat? You mean he extricated his nose from Howard K. Stern's ass long enough to take a trip somewhere other than the Bahamas? Now? Of all times.

Some 2nd string reporter gives us the lowdown about the accidental overdose, then says for more info we can find the full coroner's autopsy report online. Off to CNN I race. The details are mostly snooze-worthy, except for choice nuggets like:

7 drugs were found in her system. But no TrimSpa, people. However, officials found a can of Slim-Fast on the nightstand next to her bed.
There are multiple blonde hair extensions including several pink strands attached to the natural hair, which shows light brown roots. Even in death, hair extensions live on.
The toenails are short and clean. Girlfriend might have been deathly ill, but she had a pedicure. That, people, is true commitment to grooming.
Tattoos: There is a pair of red lips in the right lower abdominal quadrant. Two red cherries are on the right mid pelvis. A “Playboy Bunny” is on the left anterior mid pelvis. The words “Daniel” and “Papas” are on the mid anterior pelvis region. A mixed tattoo on the right lower leg and ankle represents: Christ’s head; Our Lady of Guadalupe; the Holy Bible; the naked torso of a woman; the smiling face of Marilyn Monroe; a cross; a heart and shooting flames. A mermaid on a flower bed with a pair of lips underneath it laying across the lower back. Jesus, Anna was inked. Marilyn I get, but a tatt of Christ's head?
The genitalia are those of a normally developed adult woman. There is no evidence of injury. There is evidence, however, of a vaginal life lived fully. Let's leave it at that.
The anus is unremarkable. This, my friends, is called celebrity TMI.

Then a quick channel surf to Access Hollywood to see Larry "Not a Highlight Out of Place" Birkhead saying all he wants is his daughter. Predictable. Tell us the real reason you dumped your lawyer Debra Opri! What were you and Stern cooking up that made Opri bolt?

Finally, my last stop is Larry King. Virgie's family is sorry the Coroner's report doesn't say something Clue-ish like, "Howard did it with the candlestick in the ballroom while Colonel Mustard watched." Howard's lawyer says he's too busy denying vindication to acknowledge that it was a vindication. Larry's new lady lawyers, who look like Florida Romy and Michelle Twenty Years Later, appear baffled by the entire proceedings. Entertainment reporters add absolutely nothing new. Coroner Perper appears to add a final touch of dignity as he says, "case closed."

If you see me on the street, wave, but don't bring this topic up, OK? Don't enable me. I have to let go.

March 26, 2007: Goddamn Celebrity Hack

2007-03-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

Do you see what I am up against? More juvenile Celebri-spiraling that's probably at the maturity level of Calvin and Hobbs.

Here I am, your Super Celebri-spiraler! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap over crappy tabloid websites with a single bound! Fighting for the rights of good people to lead a less celebrity culture-driven life.

And yet, I'm still up against it when sites like Celebrity Hack spring up like crabgrass. Goddamn them.

Here's how this relatively new kid on the celebrity snark block promotes itself:

Celebrity Hack Now With 2/3 Less Integrity! In the old days, a “celebrity hack” was a two-bit tabloid reporter who dug up dirt on the stars. These days, we have bloggers. Big improvement. But hey… who are you to judge? What the hell are you doing here anyway, looking for reference material for your thesis on 19th Century Russian literature? I’ve got two tips for you: 1. Subscribe to Celebrity Hack, and 2. Dostoyevsky beats Tolstoy with most professors.

We’re in the Stupid Celebrity Business… and Business is Good. Because life sucks, you need diversions, and this crap is free... Sign up for updates, would ya?

Jesus, Mary, and Britney! This is just what we need now. More of the snarky same. It's smart-ass delicious, but it's the celebrity equivalent of a Big Mac-not good for us. You are going there aren't you? No! Don't! Fight the evil urge to celebri-spiral! Aw crap, too late. I am soooo not proud of you for doing that. At least my visit was research.

March 25, 2007: Sunday Celebri-spiral Haiku

2007-03-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

Sunday is new magazine delivery day. That means fresh shipments of US, People, Star and all the celebrity weeklies piled in trucks, wending their way across the country, ready to titillate the masses as we visit newsstands, wait in grocery markets, and hang out in bookstores.

Deserving of a celebri-spiral haiku? I think so.

Divorce death rehab
Sunday brings heinous star news
Old trees died for this

March 24, 2007: Social Journalism Crosses Line, Causes Celebri-spiral

2007-03-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

Social issues are to journalists what buying domain names were to dot com'ers a few years ago. They are all the rage. You better get a good one now! In fact, get several, just in case. It's smart business, especially in a media environment where lines have blurred between reporter and story.

According to a recent USA Today article More Reporters Embrace an Advocacy Role:

The "social journalism" that made Oprah Winfrey an international fairy godmother is the new rage in network and cable news, and it's expanding to other media. Increasingly, journalists and talk-show hosts want to "own" a niche issue or problem, find ways to solve it and be associated with making this world a better place, as Winfrey has done with obesity, literacy and, most recently, education by founding a girls school in South Africa.

But is this a good trend? I am on the fence about it. On one hand, this is not Paris Hilton hawking Heiress Rights. The causes in question are legitimate. In today's media-mad world, this might be one of the few ways for important issues to reach the spotlight; I.e. fight for your airtime amid the scandals and the trash by becoming your own celebrity angle of your own story-or at least be part of it. Ann Curry, Bob Woodruff, Katie Couric, Tim Russert, Brian Williams, Anderson Cooper...they are all doing it. On the other hand, who will remain the objective voice amid the spin, hype, and advocacy?

What do you think?

March 23, 2007: Now THIS Is a Celebri-spiral! Check Out Lily Tomlin's Meltdown

2007-03-23T14:29:00.000-07:00

Go, Ernestine, go!

Celebrities are not like you and me. This meltdown between Lily and creepy, self-indulgent director David O. Russell-captured on film, God bless YouTube- is yet another example of how the Gods bestowed on celebrities the gift of special rules for behavior.

If I were a celebrity, I'd call all my actors the C-word, hurl papers, and just yell fuck-fuck-fuck throughout my day like a parrot with Tourrette's. What would you do?

March 22, 2007: Today's Celebri-spiral Conspiracy Theory-The Case of Angie and People

2007-03-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

What I am about to tell you is so scandalous, media-mad, conniving, and seemingly impossible for the competent-not- groundbreaking editors of People magazine to pull off that I want you to drive to the secret parking garage where Bob Woodward met Deep Throat. Yes, that parking garage, the Watergate one. It's in Arlington, about two minutes across from Key Bridge. It costs $6 an hour to sit there and listen but...what am I doing arguing with you about this? JUST GO.

Tick tock tick tock.

OK, are you there? Good, 'cause here's the skinny.

Angelina Jolie and People magazine actually plotted her ascension to sainthood in the last several years, eclipsing Mother Teresa and Mia Farrow at the same time, in exchange for exclusive access. People was conniving enough to woo Angelina's doctors/noted friends and write puff pieces about them so that Angie would give the weekly publication first dibs on exclusives per adoption, as well as updates on her and Brad.

Gawker broke this extremely important news with all the gusto of the vast liberal conspiracy's pursuit of evil Karl Rove and that Supreme Court nominee Harriet Myers, who looks like aging-actress-and-bi-polar-
medication-advocate-who-ironically-rose-to-fame-playing-twins-
on-TV Patty Duke.
Did you think your Brangelina family celebri-spiral was some random media accident that just happened to the universe, like a comet traversing the sky and landing on the Time Warner building? When it comes to People, think again, people. They are one step ahead. Feel manipulated much?

Are you all John Mellencamped out 'cause it hurts so good?

March 21, 2007: Springtime for Celebri-spiralers. Check out Roseanne's Blog

2007-03-21T10:40:00.000-07:00

I have developed this begrudging respect for Roseanne Barr, the comic formerly known as Roseanne.

In this celebri-spiraling world of crazed, allegedly-rehabbed, me-me-me 22-year-olds, it's refreshing to hear a middle-aged woman who's been there, done that when it comes to drugs, split personalities, and ugly celebrity behavior, but now seems to be on the other side.

Check out Roseanne's blog, which hosts her rants on funny aspects of everyday life, as well as sharp criticisms of the Bush administration, organized religion, and Americans who don't pay enough attention to what's important.

There's very little on typical career hype and self-aggrandizing, also rare from a celebrity today.

What other celebrities actually contribute something to the national conversation about real issues that matter? Who's your favorite, and why?

March 20, 2007: Just When I Thought It Was Safe to Open My Email...

2007-03-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

This morning, I yawned, stretched and tried to come alive, as Dolly Parton implores in my career anthem Nine to Five.

I was minding my own business. I hadn't thought of "her" in a week. My Anna celebri-spiral was not over but definitely more manageable, sort of like Lindsay's rehab. I went to my email. A note from Amazon.com was waiting for me:

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

We've noticed that customers who have expressed interest in Fat Actress - The Complete First Season have also ordered Season 1-Anna Micole Smith Show on DVD. For this reason, you might like to know that Season 1-Anna Micole Smith Show is now available on DVD. You can order your copy by following the link below.

Season 1-Anna Micole Smith Show
Anna Nicole Smith Show

I can't escape her. Even in my personal email, she's haunting me from her Caribbean grave.

And yes, you read right. Micole. With an "M." Are you kidding me with this? Should I be pleased with a typo for the most written about name of the last year? Does this mean Amazon was paying attention to worthier, less celebri-spiralish product, like that new book The Secret? Or was the copy editor too busy watching Anna coverage on ET and Access Hollywood to pay attention to his job?

And no image was available? When there are only 5 million images of her and her TV show everywhere?

Note to Amazon: so much for Carpe Opportunity!

March 19, 2007: "I Hope I Don't Lose My Leg" on Dancing with the Stars

2007-03-19T08:20:00.000-07:00

The TV commercial running for tonight's premiere of Dancing with the Stars has caused my latest celebri-spiral.

You know the show: 3rd tier celebrities twist and twirl their way back up the showbiz ladder on this bona-fide hit. The celebri-spiral commercial goes like this: magical stars in a woosh, the DWTS logo, and then a booming announcer's voice: On Monday March 19th, TV's sexiest show returns when Heather Mills will face the ultimate dancing test!

Cut to a close up of the one-legged former porn star skank now known as Dark Lady Mills, who looks at the camera and states in trashy faux-cockney: "Mah main concurrrrn ees keeping mah leg ohn."

Mills, who lost her leg below the knee in a 1993 motorcycle accident, is the first contestant with an artificial limb to compete on the dance show. She's grabbing for the Heather, Patron-Saint-of-Limb-Loss brass ring by telling interviewers that she's doing DWTS to get the word out: the limb-challenged can do anything. But she might as well wear a sequined t-shirt that reads, "We can shake our well-documented asses and even rip off ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, too!"

Mills and ABC are totally exploiting the shock value potential, which is why newbies like me, who missed previous seasons, will now watch. An online site is even taking bets (current odds are "no leg off"). The prepared-for-anything dark lady told Access Hollywood, "I've got a secondary spare leg just in case I overdo it on the foot and it breaks or something."

Good Plan B. But for those glorious 45 seconds when her fake leg shoots over Joey Fatone's head, past Ian Ziering's jazz hands, and knocks Leeza Gibbons wig off, I will be in bliss.

Yes, it's true I am biased. I've been in a celebri-spiral for poor beloved Sir Paul, apparently too polite to ask for a pre-nup from the skank, who's now taking him to the cleaners, airing his probably-fabricated dirty laundry along the way.

Tonight on ABC! An evil, accidental celebrity will be punished. Leg will fly! Wait for it!

March 18, 2007: The New Yorker Gives Thumbs Up to Anna Nicole. World Loses Mind! Film at 11

2007-03-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

This is terrifying. According to Liz Smith, serious publications proudly boast that they followed the endless Anna Nicole coverage:

'We admit it. We followed the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death. And we don't apologize," says the American Conservative magazine.

Is this, in fact, "fabulous" as Liz describes it, that at least three distinguished think tank-type publications explained (rationalized?) their interest in this tsunami of tabloid frenzy?

The New Yorker opined that death is so important that "we die forever," quoting Sophocles. And they harked back to Homer's "Odyssey" about bodies being buried as having an ancient historic imperative.

The New Republic said people with "good taste" were "lying hypocrites . . . Are we interested in a case involving a zaftig, dead fashion model, millions of dollars, child custody, etc.? Of course we are and why shouldn't we be?"

The American Conservative made fun of "serious commentators" like the Washington Post's Philip Kennicott, who wrote, "She had gotten under our skin, and taken on a role we didn't quite realize was so big in the history of marriage, money and sex." The magazine said instead that "Anna Nicole provided a diversion . . . We didn't watch because it meant something. Just the opposite. Entertainment offers a refuge because it is so very trivial."

After weeks of baby-daddy-and-who-gets-the-body tabloid coverage, don't you feel excused and maybe even a little highbrow now? I know I do.

Maybe the nation's leading economists will issue a report in support, Johns Hopkins will name a wing after her, or Mark Steines will win the Pulitzer for his Entertainment Tonight coverage.

It's the tabloid story that keeps giving. Next stop this week: baby custody hearings!

March17, 2007: Just What a Celebri-spiraler Needs! TMZ in DC

2007-03-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

No more just hearing about Patrick Kennedy-ish drunken crashes into the Capitol, the rare but exciting outing of glamor-spies like Valerie Plame (sigh, I wish), or lascivious interns wending their way Cruel Intentions-style through the corridors of power. Simple snapshots? How 90's!

Now TMZ is coming to DC and that means video!

Kitty Kelley, drop your poison pen and get a camcorder. You are going to need it to compete in today's celebri-spiraling world, now caught on film, playing at a selected website near you.

Kitty, you better hurry the hell up, too. Because now, anyone can be a D.C. scandal journalist by sending hot tips to TMZ's DC hotline.

I've already commented on the approximately eight new gossip rags, columns, and glossies in Washington. The coverage cannot be just Ambassador BlahBlahBlah's wife wearing a knockoff Valentino at a party celebrating Swiss Alps Day. Nor does the average American want to see Karl Rove "Lohan'ing it" in his halter top and daisy dukes getting a Frappaccino at the Palisades Starbucks.

Does Washington have enough true glamor cache to warrant outside-the-beltway interest? What do you think we can expect from this newfound focus on DC celebrity gossip?

Personally, I am counting on the Embassy staffers to up the crazed party ante. I want to see some skinny dipping at the Bolivian residence. Ahora! Ahora!

TMZ DC. Good for celebri-spiralers. Bad for Kitty Kelley.

March 16, 2007: Dame Elizabeth Does Not Celebri-spiral. Word Up, Celebutards!

2007-03-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

Listen up, celebutards!

Quit your whining about unfair press. Ignore today's CNN Headline News poll that says 52% of the U.S. Population feels sorry for your charmed, lucky asses, just because a paparazzo jumped out of a bush and said "boo" as the shutter snapped.

Dame Elizabeth Taylor has your number. The link between willful, crazy celebrity behavior and paparazzi chases/relentless coverage isn't accidental.

In her Entertainment Tonight interview today, Dame Elizabeth wants you to know that you seek what you find. Take it from the scandal queen, kids. She rocked the 50's, got condemned by the Pope (the Pope! Top that, Paris!) in the 60's, and never turned down a Jack & Coke with Percoset chaser in the 70's.

"Fame costs you privacy, you lose it," Dame Elizabeth told Mary Hart:

"You have no right to a private life." After being in the business for more than 50 years, the silver screen star has a few words of wisdom for today's youthful A-listers.

"If you want to be private, don't go out seeking it," she says of the paparazzi's attention. "Home is a very nice place -- you can make it a nice place."

But the icon says that it takes two to tango. "Some of those young kids go out courting the press," she says. "If that's what you want, that's what you're going to get. There are a million ways to avoid it."

Learning from experience, the Oscar winner recommends bringing the party to you. "You can have your own circle of friends and be with them," she says. "You don't have to go out partying every night where the photographers are."

Her desire for privacy increased once she had kids. "As a mother, that was my main ambition -- to give my kids their privacy and a right to their life," she says.

Taylor says she has always resented fame but feels grateful that she's found a way to use it for good. "I can use my fame to make people understand and listen," she says of her part in fighting the AIDS and HIV crisis. "People are interested in what movie stars, famous people, do, say, whatever. So instead of just chit-chatting about what to wear or what jewelry to wear, I thought, 'I am going to attack this devil and I'm going to take it on equal terms, and I'm going to fight it with my life.'"

She's done about the best thing with superstardom that one can do. Who's done more for HIV/AIDS research, awareness, and advocacy?

Wear the baubles until your fingers are too weak to hold 'em, Dame E. Hope the celebutards look at you as their shining beacon of aspiration.

March 15, 2007: Brad, Angelina and the World Celebri-family

2007-03-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

Is there anyone who doesn't know that Angelina Jolie is in Vietnam right now, adopting her fourth child? Probably very few. She's an A-list celebrity in every way, from box office draw to celebrity tabloid coverage.

But I haven't written about Brangelina much, despite the fact that they are weekly tabloid covers, along with Paris, Britney and Anna. A friend of mine asked me why I've stayed away from such an obvious choice for a blog called Celebri-spiral. Certainly, the Brangelina relationship has caused many a celebri-spiral, not just for Jennifer Aniston. I think there are three main reasons:

Reason #1: I am conflicted. Angelina Jolie is doing good in the world. She's bringing attention to areas that need it. She is a calm, composed presence on the world stage. Regardless of what motives or media manipulation lie beneath the surface, and I am not denying there's lots I'm unaware of, the end result seems very positive. So is this an example of the highest form of celebrity good? I don't know, honestly.

Reason #2: She's not talking much about her personal life. She's mentioning babies, Brad and world crises all in the same breath, and more on the latter, frankly. Another type of media hound would have engendered world sympathy by making damn sure we all knew her mother was dying before she walked the Golden Globes red carpet last January. Yes, Angelina looked dour and humorless. She took the heat for it and never responded. Two weeks later, we found out why. But the less she leverages the celebrity currency of her personal life, the less compelled I am to comment on any aspect of her.

Reason #3: The repetition factor. We're used to her now. She's usually seen in comfortable slacks, a black or white loose top, hair lightly pulled away from her face. Or she's in a Jackie O black trench with oversize black sunglasses. She's either in A) Cambodia (or now Vietnam, same thing), B) Los Angeles, C) New Orleans, or D) deplaning a small jet. She smiles pleasantly, lightly, and rarely directly at camera. Like Madonna wearing an Adidas track suit for the 100th time, while exiting the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles, we've seen Angelina's standard image so often, we don't perk up in the same way as when we see something new.

Are Brangelina and brood stirring a celebri-spiral in you, or are you feeling chill about them, too?

March 14, 2007: My Anti Celebri-spiral Night at the Josh Groban Concert

2007-03-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

Josh Groban fell into my lap last night. No, he wasn't drunk. He was singing at DC's Verizon Center and tickets to his concert showed up as a surprise last minute gift from my close friend Mary Ann.

Here's what I knew about Josh Groban before his show. He has a "pop-era" voice and musical sound; big, booming, but contemporary. I love three songs of his: You Raise Me Up, You're Still You, and You Are Loved. He's got dark wavy/curly hair and seems tall and lanky. That's it.

Here's what I learned about him personally during his show: nada. And that's a good thing.

I loved his show. With his understated but charming, youthful personality, and lack of personal stage banter, he gave the audience a great gift, in addition to his soaring voice. He allowed us to experience art without the typical trappings. You know what I mean. I was able to experience the music and project my own feelings onto the experience without thinking about who he's dating, what scandal he just overcame, why some dumb soundbyte from Entertainment Tonight won't get out of my head, or how the tabloids dished his most recent social outing.

As I looked around at the packed stadium, I was not alone. The crowd may know a little more about him, but he's not Nick Lachey, Sting, Madonna, Robbie Williams, Mariah Carey, Barbra Streisand, Pavarotti, or even Michael Buble; other singers who are in the public celebrity zeitgeist. Still, he's selling out stadiums, eliciting adoration, and receiving platinum records without trading in the currency of his own celebrity.

I didn't learn about the concert by reading People magazine. A friend told me. I didn't discover the songs of his that I like by listening to a gossipy top 40 radio station or TV talk show. I tried his music on iTunes without knowing who he was. And now that I have seen him live, and like him more, I won't Google his personal life, or look for entertainment stories on him, even though my first inclination was to satisfy some prurient curiosity. I want to keep this experience just as it is.

On second thought, I did learn one factoid at the concert. The title of his new CD is Awake. Hmmm. I can relate to that.

March 13, 2007: US Magazine's Editor on the Tabloidization of America

2007-03-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

Janice speaks! According to Gawker, US editor Janice Min gave a little talk to Columbia Journalism students and friends recently about celebrity culture.

She seems to be on the defensive, certainly in no danger of a celebri-spiral. But God knows really what keeps her up at night, and if she ever second-guesses her coverage of celebrity.

What did we learn from her discourse?

1. Paris Hilton did not authorize the invasion to Iraq, so get off her ass.
2. US readers are upscale, hot women! (Excuse the hell out of the rest of us).
3. US is not the typical tabloid. Come on. By now, don't you know the difference between US, In Touch, People, Hello!, OK, and the rest?
4. Brittany Murphy should be Secretary of State, instead of this woman .

Read the highlights below, or get the full scoop:

"People talk about the tabloidization of society and what it means for the future of society, and people talk about celebrities and their role—but Paris Hilton didn't start any wars," Ms. Min reminded her young charges. "I have memories as a child of watching the Watergate hearings with my mother. And now we live in an era when CNN went for 90 minutes uninterrupted on Anna Nicole Smith's death!"

Then she gave a juicy blind item that had the students tittering, about a "young cultured diva" who was returning to London, whose husband was so drunk at their wedding that he openly flirted with his mistress... and which turned out to be about that naughty late-18th-century couple, King George IV and Caroline of Brunswick. Gossip was not invented by Bonnie Fuller, or even Walter Winchell, it turns out! (Janice, you scamp!)

"These days, it's all about celebrities behaving very badly in front of camera," Ms. Min said, not entirely approvingly or disapprovingly. "There's no limit to what certain celebrities will do, or what an audience will watch. It's like, you have to have an audience or you cease to exist. We've come a long way from Descartes!" Indeed, we have. But what of Ms. Min's own august publication? "US Weekly gives a more accessible portraits of celebrities," Ms. Min said. "'Just Like US' are the most popular pages in the magazine, and it's just celebrities doing boring stuff. We provide our readers with a glamorous version of their own lives—just with Brad Pitt!"

She would also like to make it clear that US is not just read by trailer trash! "Our average reader is a 30-year-old woman making $62,000 a year," she said. "That's a higher income than Vogue and Esquire! Our readers like the distraction that a human interest magazine provides. It's okay to avert our eyes to the disaster in Iraq and look at the disaster that is Britney Spears."

And did you know that Brittany Murphy once said, "If they want to find Osama Bin Laden, send an US Weekly reporter after him"?

March 12, 2007: Is Katie a Victim of Celebri-spiral Withdrawal?

2007-03-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

Apparently, it's take-a-whack-at-Katie time. According to numerous columns like Media Mix, six months post her overly-hyped launch as CBS Nightly News anchor, Ms. Couric is 3rd in the ratings, behind Charlie Gibson on ABC and Brian Williams on NBC.

Maybe nightly news viewers really do take to a kindly, aged 60+ white man feeding them the nightly news. Maybe the nightly audience is much different than the morning one. Maybe there was too much hype and expectation on Katie. Maybe there is channel brand loyalty and the die-hards don't like switching. Maybe it's all about the affiliates and lead-ins and no anchor will be a game-changer.

But maybe, just maybe, viewers liked her Today Show personality, her camaraderie with co-anchors, and the subtle but persistent way her celebrity edged its way into our lives. We celebri-spiraled with Katie-over her tragedy, her causes, her friends, and...well, just her.

This is gone for now. Colorectal Katie, with the fabulous annual fundraisers and the funny repartee with other, less charismatic celebrities has been replaced by serious Katie, reporting on Iraq, Washington, and the world economy. She's a great reporter. That hasn't changed. But her celebrity status has. In six months, she's not been in the news or tabloids much. During her broadcast, no longer does she offer her fans the opportunity to celebri-spiral over her. Could that contribute to the ratings slump?

She has a new producer, veteran Rick Kaplan, now onboard to help boost the show. I hope it helps. I have to admit I am a fan who misses her in the morning and hasn't adjusted to her new role.

She hasn't made a misstep, or am I biased, based on the fact that I just like her? What other reasons could there be for her lack of ratings success? Or is too much being made of Katie's alleged failure to launch?

March 11, 2007: Meet the Press, At Least a Few Who'll Keep You From Celebri-spiraling

2007-03-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

I wrist-slapped the Sunday Morning Talk Shows in an earlier post (The Sunday Talk Shows-News or Spin Cycle Gossip?). I was critical of them since, on that day, they seemed harsh and didactic, with pompous, bombastic guests who spewed inner beltway gossip as if it's substantial.

But today was different. Tim Russert on Meet the Press hosted an awesome show that made me understand aspects about the Iraq war I didn't get before, by adding historical insights and thoughtful approaches I hadn't considered. I was as engrossed in this show as I usually am in celebrity culture. I didn't feel the usual repulsion when I see typical Iraq war headlines, which stay the same; only the numbers change (X soldiers killed today in roadside bombing outside Bagdhad).

Instead, I was drawn into the news by the steady-yet-firm Ted Koppel (and I am not speaking of his hair), who offered smart insights about the future of the Iraq war. He'll expand on them in tonight's documentary: "Our Children's Children's War."

Here's a sampling of his comments from Newsbusters:

"First, Koppel made it clear that America’s premature departure from Iraq would turn the entire Persian Gulf region into a battlefield between Sunnis and Shia, “something the United States cannot allow to happen.” Second, he said the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are part of the war on terror that “has been going on for the past 24 years” starting when “the precursors of Hezbollah blew up the U.S. marine barracks in Beirut, Lebanon” in 1983. Finally, he stated that America’s departure from Iraq and Afghanistan, regardless of when it occurs, will not represent the end of this battle, but, instead, that it is just “going to be a different war.”

Yes, post Iraq-discussion, there was some gossipy roundtabling about D.C.'s celebri-candidates-Hillary, Barack, Rudy, and John-as well as idle speculation regarding Time magazine's dissection of Dick Cheney's hopefully powered-down Vice Presidency.

But today's show with Zalmay Khalilzad, Michael Beschloss, Michael Duffy, Ted Koppel and Dana Priest reminded me how valuable really good journalists are, when they dig deep and explain complicated situations in ways laymen can understand, making the story content as relevant as possible to the average viewer.

Clearly, many viewers want escape from bad news (It's Not "The News." It's "The Bad News"). Isn't that one reason why many of us celebri-spiral, eating up soap opera tabloid stories, which offer a respite from heartbreaking, repetitive headlines about wars we don't understand and horrific global situations that seem out of our reach in more ways than one?

Thankfully, there are many, many scribes attempting the good fight: trying to make the news relevant and palatable at the same time. This is no small feat. The more they can do this, perhaps the less the rest of us will celebri-spiral. Anderson Cooper comes to mind, though he's criticized for making himself part of his stories. Jim Lehrer always digs beneath the headline's surface to unearth the real issues. My friend Shane Harris at National Journal does this for national security. But too often these days, I see fast, harsh, repetitive scrawls or the blow-hard tirades of talking heads like Bill O'Reilly: two surefire ways to send people like me running to Gawker and US.

I know it's all very John Lennon and Imagine of me to dream of real news that doesn't trigger a need to celebri-spiral. As soon as my Meet The Press high ends, The McLaughlin Group starts, bringing me back to another, uglier reality. Loud, cackling, ego-driven sound-bytes did nothing but make me long for Entertainment Tonight.

March 10, 2007: Scarlett Johansson on Celebrity Tabloid Culture

2007-03-10T09:23:00.000-08:00

I've never read anything about Scarlett Johansson, so she's a rare celebrity clean slate for me. I loved her in Match Point and Lost in Translation. I know she's dated some hot leading men, like Patrick Wilson and Josh Hartnett. I get a hip, sultry, wise-beyond-her -years vibe. But other than those factoids, I had no personality snapshot of her until now.

She's the cover subject of Parade magazine this week. In the interview, she talks about avoiding paparazzi, her looks, and other self-absorbed topics that are de rigeur for a typical celebrity interview.

But when asked about her recent foray into the tabloids, as the other woman in the Cameron Diaz/Justin Timberlake breakup, she made a comment that I thought was rather celebri-spiralish of her:

"I think people today are very cynical. They need to bring other people down. Reality television and tabloid magazines-never before did we need to see movie stars taking out their garbage. But all of a sudden, it's front page news-trying to figure out who's dating whom, all that stuff. There are so many other things, shocking news stories that we should be paying attention to. But that's kind of how it goes. It feeds itself."

I don't know. Does it feed itself? Or does the media feed it, and people just gorge on readily available junk food, like they're at a Las Vegas all-you-can-eat-buffet?

March 9, 2007: Does the Media Set a Bad Example? Duh

2007-03-09T19:29:00.000-08:00

According to a new study from the Culture and Media Institute, a majority of Americans across the board (74 %) believe that America has suffered a moral decline in the past 20 years and a majority (64 %) believes that the news and entertainment media are a major influence in that decline.

Um, this is not exactly surprising coming from a religious-based advocacy group. Here's their mission:

To preserve and help restore America’s culture, character, traditional values, and morals against the assault of the liberal media elite, and to promote fair portrayal of social conservatives and religious believers in the media.

Well kids, the liberal media elite is promoting your study, because I've seen it in all the commie pinko rags I read. So you can stifle the whining about lack of coverage. The study is getting a fair amount of press because of one little fact: it purports to break down findings by three groups based on their views on religion in everyday life: the Orthodox (religious), the Progressives (not religious) and the Independents (not sure). Across all three groups, there was damning agreement about impact of the media.

While there may be disagreement over the religious aspects, implications, and biases your organization brings to the table, your topic du jour is an interesting conversation that makes me ask some of the same questions you do, and even a few that you don't:

Does the media set a bad example?
Where does the culpability lie in a society that treats supply and demand as the chicken and the egg?
What are the rules for coverage? Are they fair, reasonable, and objective?
Does the press have a role in making accidental heroes out of non-deserving celebrities?
In this world of 24/7 coverage, how much coverage is too much?

March 8, 2007: She's Baaaaaaaackkkk....Star and Court TV Celebri-spirals

2007-03-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

As if Nancy Grace, Larry King, and 80% of Court TV coverage doesn't already cover every celebrity legal spiral, now we have Star Jones in a new TV show, back to make sure we don't miss Paris Hilton in traffic court.

Yes, it's true. According to USA Today,
Court TV announced it hired Star to run a show about "criminal justice issues that intersect with the pop culture world. The show, which has no title yet, will likely start this summer or in the fall."

"The public is fascinated by the intersection of the legal world and the pop-culture world, and we hope to tap into that fascination as part of our overall strategy to broaden the appeal of the network's daytime lineup," said Steve Koonin, Turner Entertainment Networks president, in a statement.

Jesus, can you just see the lineup? Will Star roll out a red carpet in front of the courtroom? Will she borrow some Harry Winston bling for Lady Justice to dazzle? Will there be gift bags after every verdict?

This new Star vehicle makes me think of all the future celebri-spiral dramas acted out in courtrooms headed by cheesy second banana judges. Which celebrities do you think we can count on to "fascinate" us in what are sure to include these courtroom staples?

Paternity suit
DUI
Neighbor brawl
Traffic court
Aggravated assault
Suit against the National Enquirer
Club fight with Shannon Doherty and Lindsay Lohan
Strange death at the hands of washed up 60's or 70's star
Bitter divorce against cheating, no good celebri-spouse
Bitter divorce against gay husband
Custody battle
Stealing SWAG from a Golden Globes suite
Getting hit by a phone thrown by Russell Crowe
Getting slapped by Naomi Campbell
Beating the shit out of Virgie Arthur
Public lewdness that doesn't involve George Michael
Drunk and disorderly conduct

And will Star be the star of one her own shows?

March 7, 2007: Destroy Pop Culture

2007-03-07T16:19:00.000-08:00

Borrowing from Donnie and Marie, are you feeling a little bit celebri-spiralish, yet a little bit rock n' roll?

Then watch this funny parody of Mylo's "Destroy Rock and Roll", by The Young Punx, in which they replace the names of 80s pop stars with a list of annoying celebrities who clutter up the UK press.

While there are definitely UK-only named celebutards, you'll see plenty of the usual suspects. Forget global warming! Bring on the global celebri-spiral.

March 6, 2007: Do You Have PASD? Take This Quick Test and Find Out!

2007-03-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

PASD is the clinical acronym for Post Awards Show Depression. Most celebri-spiralers are afflicted with this syndrome in early March, once the Golden Globes, Grammy, Screen Actors Guild, People's Choice, Nickelodeon, Independent Spirit, NAACP Image, and Academy Awards have dressed you up as the vicarious star that you are, escorted you down your emotional rep carpet, and then dumped you in the street.

So long, red carpet. Hasta la vista, baby.

I admit it. I have "Awards Show" on my TIVO wish list. I've been clicking it every week since last November, usually unearthing at least one ceremony per week. But once the end of February rolled around, I found nothing but sports shows. Did you know that there are approximately 45,000 soccer awards programs throughout the world? F***ing Direct TV covers them all. But this does me no good.

Maybe you are experiencing symptoms of PASD, too? Take this simple True or False test and find out:

1. Do you wake up in a cold sweat thinking that Helen Mirren didn't win something? Are you haunted by nightmare images of Penelope Cruz strutting to a podium, arms outstretched for her prize, as Salma Hayek, in the bleacher seats, jumps up and down screaming like that hysterical lady in Babel?

2. Do you wander Fred Segal for hours, buying Nicole Richie hand-me-downs, chatting with Winona Ryder about nothing, then skulking off to eat the fat-free banana cake at Urth Caffe on Melrose Avenue, in between trips to your dermatologist and stylist, who will no longer see you? Do people look at you strangely as you wonder aloud, "What day is it? How long ago did Borat give that funny Golden Globes speech? Is Eddie Murphy still upset? What is Joan Rivers getting lifted or tucked now, and when can I see?"

3. In the middle of the night, do you randomly call the Milan office of Lagerfeld, yelling into the answering machine, "Karl said I could keep it! It was a gift! You are not getting it back."

4. When buying coffee at Starbucks, or purchasing bottled water at Rite Aid, do you clutch your drink at chest height, look the clerk in the eye, and over-enunciate the words, "Thank you. I really didn't think I was going to win."

5. Are you listless, tired, restless, and out of sorts? And not just because rehab lock downs and jail threats have spared us from Britney, Lindsay and Paris wreaking more havoc?

If you answered yes to 3 or more out of the 5, chances are you are experiencing PASD. So do what I do.

Get out your yoga mat, assume the down dog position, and breathe in your biggest Kundalini Breath of Fire as you repeat the mantra "Em-my, Em-my, Em-my." It's all about the Emmy's now. Don't give up hope. They're scheduled for Sunday September 16, 2007.

In the meantime, if you can't wait that long, check out The Stupidity Awards. That should tide you over for now. One day at a time.

March 5, 2007: Barbara Walters, Larry King, and the Big Q of Celebrity Media Coverage

2007-03-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

The big question of celebrity media coverage is "why do those in charge choose to focus the spotlight on certain topics and not others?"

I asked myself this question while I watched Larry King interview Barbara Walters, appearing to plug The View and her TV specials. Now, it's no secret that I love Larry King. To paraphrase Jerry Maguire, he had me at little old man. I know he asks banal questions. He reads questions off of cue cards, often without feigning interest in the responses. The hunched shoulders, suspenders, and Broadway!!!! lights behind him are too much. But his show keeps a laser-like focus on celebrities who peak our curiosity, often fanning the flames until there's a brush fire of coverage. Laci Peterson might be exhibit A. Anna-Nicole-a-thon is certainly the most recent example.

Larry gets roughly 1 million viewers, which is peanuts next to Entertainment Tonight's nightly audience of approximately 9 million, but huge for a cable talk show. In the last three weeks, 90% of his shows have been devoted to Anna Nicole.

I still can't get over the joint appearance of these two media titans who, between them, have about 100 years of television experience. They are groundbreaking legends. Their focus last week?

A debate about Anna Nicole vs. Britney coverage, with a dash of Donald Trump.

Larry asked Babs about the Rosie vs. Donald feud, and she was evasive, choosing to avoid the topic. Score one for Barbara, I thought. She started it and now she's ending it.

Then Larry asked her what she thought about Anna Nicole's death and the ensuing hysteria. Barbara stiffened and said that they really don't talk about it on The View, as if they chose instead to limit conversation to viral cancer cures, reasons for national educational standards, and sound options for the US withdrawal from Iraq.

Barbara offered reasons why Britney's coverage is different than Anna Nicole's. While acknowledging that Anna Nicole's death has all the elements of soap opera- including a baby in flux with the real daddy a question mark, two untimely deaths at young ages, and tons of money at stake-she said that Anna had accomplished little for her fame and was over (I.e. dead), while Britney can reinvent, contribute to culture, and symbolize hope for young girls who, presumably, are at risk of head shave and meltdown.

Her tone indicated that Anna Nicole is a subject beneath her, while other celebrity tabloid tales have social merit. Um, sounds like a stretch to me.

The most fascinating exchange was this:

KING: Why do you think so many people are following (Anna Nicole)? Why do you think there is such a fascination with it?
WALTERS: I don't know. Why do you? You do it every night. (zing!)
KING: We do it, but I can't figure it out. I know I do it, the producers book it, I do it, we talk about it. But what is the fascination of it? (I have no idea, I just do what they tell me.)
WALTERS: I don't know, either.

My first reaction was "Not know?!? How could they not even have a theory?" Then it dawned on me that maybe they know, or have theories, and just don't want to admit the reasons. Their livelihood is at stake.

Do I really expect that these two will agree on air that the majority of viewers want mindless, cheap entertainment...and they're happy to provide it to them as long as the ratings are good?

That's like expecting McDonalds to admit-on its own with no prompting from Morgan Spurlock-that french fries are bad for you and those who buy them are idiots.

I guess the answer to the big Q of celebrity media coverage is obvious. It has nothing to do with mutable standards of "news fit to print," or air. It's ratings, pure and simple. They have a vested interest in not exploring the psychology of viewers.

March 4, 2007: Celebri-spiraling Ann Coulter Needs Your Attention Desperately

2007-03-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

Do you want to give it to her?

Ann is having a celebri-spiral, caused by her deep-seated need to stay in the headlines, at any cost.

I realize that my noting her most recent cry for help - calling John Edwards a faggot at a political pundit rally - gives her more of the publicity she craves like crack.

But I am curious, compelled to explore celebri-spirals of all colors, including dark ones like this. What's the best way to react when faced with another Coulter outburst? Her deeply juvenile denigration of schools, 9-11 widows, and now political leaders is hardly intellectual. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Name calling! What a mind-giant she is to come up with such a clever conceit.

Do intelligent people warble a responsive chorus of I'm rubber and you're glue, nanny nanny boo boo?

Do we laugh and assume she is a grand satirist, right up there with character-inventing comics like Ruth Draper and Lily Tomlin? Oh Ann, the details you bring to the part of blond idiot springboard this character to life! Not so fast. It's easy to knock everyone and claim to be a satirist, but isn't the other part of the job to help society see itself more clearly? She misses on the latter.

Do we give her the attention she craves by spending precious time condemning her? Her latest oafish statement was shot down by everyone from John McCain to Ted Kennedy. But at this point, why bother? She's not taken seriously by anyone of note. As Anna Nicole coverage indicates, America loves over-the-top distraction.

Do we ignore her?

Do we crash a conservative rally, make our way through crazies, fast talking narcissists, self-absorbed tools, clueless bigots, closet cases, ex-gays, and war-loving patricians, and call Ann a hilarious comedienne, or, worse, peace-mongerer?

I say encourage those who support her to stop buying her books or rewarding her bad behavior. But other than that, don 't react, at least not much. Giving bad celebrities what they want is the worst form of Pavlovian conditioning.

What do you think? As you consider, enjoy Henry Rollins sentient video letter to Ann. While I share his sentiment, I appreciate his talented use of words and feisty energy more. They're a satisfying antidote to the celebri-spiraling Ms. C.

March 3, 2007: The Queen of Tabloids Leaving?

2007-03-03T07:22:00.000-08:00

Bonnie Fuller is leaving American Media!! Save your piles of worn National Star Magazines to sell on EBAY as collector's items.

OK, back down. It's just a rumor that's apparently pissing her off, based on the tone of her denial to the New York Post Media Ink column. But does she get the irony? Though she'd cut me for saying this - since she thinks of herself as objective, fair celebri-journalist - her business is rumor.

For any newbies out there, Ms. Fuller oversees the daily operations of The Enquirer, National Star, and a few other tabloids. I think it's fair to call her The Tabloid Queen. Certainly, Courtney Cox based part of her Dirt character on Bonnie.

"Rumblings inside American Media now say that Editorial Director Bonnie Fuller is reaching out to Hachette Filipacchi and to TMZ.com, the celebrity dirt-digging Web site, as she scrambles for an exit strategy."

TMZ strikes me as an odd fit since Bonnie is computer-illiterate, according to some reports. But TMZ is also where it's happening in celebrity-land right now. Of course, she probably wants TMZ, or something similar; in the world of celebrity coverage, who wouldn't want to be the golden child? Celebrity video is really where it's at.

TMZ consistently lands the best videos and breaking news about completely meaningless celebrity...what's the word I want here? Crap? Events? Lowbrow, narcissistic grabs for attention that, when we watch them, put us all on the mentally challenged shortbus?

Meanwhile, if you love mean boss tales coupled with celebrity, join the I Survived Bonnie Yahoo Group, now 477 members strong. This group is for former and current employees of Editrix Bonnie Fuller to discuss how they survived her reign of tyranny and, for some, how the workplace bitchslaps to their masochistic psyches hurt so good.

March 2, 2007: Associated Press Celebri-Spirals! But Just For One Week. Now What?

2007-03-02T14:45:00.000-08:00

Did you catch that the Associated Press banned coverage of Paris Hilton for an entire week? Yes, a newswire had its first official celebri-spiral. Uncork the champagne!

It was an experimental blackout that ended when le auto de Paris got ticketed and towed, and she received a pretty pink, girlish summons for violating her DUI conditions that could land her in jail. Now I want to see that porno video. Bring it!

Note to AP: well, if you must come back with coverage....jail time potential is better than the folly we missed during blackout week, including her "sing-stripping" on a bar in Vegas for her 26th birthday.

According to the AP, "It was only meant to be a weeklong ban-not the boldest of journalistic initiatives, and one, we realized, that might seem hypocritical once it ended. And it wasn't based on a view of what the public should be focusing on -- the war in Iraq, for example, or the upcoming election of the next leader of the free world, as opposed to the doings of a partygoing celebrity heiress/reality TV star most famous for a grainy sex video.

No, editors just wanted to see what would happen if we didn't cover this media phenomenon, this creature of the Internet gossip age, for a full week. After that, we'd take it day by day. Would anyone care? Would anyone notice? And would that tell us something interesting?"

In the end, the ban was picked up worldwide by news and media outlets from gawker.com to Howard Stern's radio show. Did it work? Not at all. Her name was mentioned probably more times than it usually would be in a one-week timespan.

Jeff Jarvis, who teaches journalism at the City University of New York, decries the "one-size-fits-all disease" afflicting media outlets, who feel that "everybody's covering it, so we must, too." Even The New York Times, he noted, had substantial coverage of a hearing concerning where Anna Nicole Smith -- perhaps the one person who rivaled Hilton in terms of fame for fame's sake -- would be buried.

"That disease leads to the Paris Hilton virus spreading through the news industry," says Jarvis, who puts out BuzzMachine.

So did anyone really learn anything from the ban?

"It's hard to tell what this really changes, since we didn't have to make any hard decisions," says Jesse Washington, AP's entertainment editor. "So we'll continue to use our news judgment on each item, individually."

Too bad for us. The Associated Press celebri-spiral backfired since we still have Paris. Although their execution was lame (I.e. banned for a week? What's that about? Make a decision and stick to it), I don't think the concept behind this ban is over yet. Do you?

March 1, 2007: Posh Spice's Celebri-spiral

2007-03-01T05:43:00.000-08:00

Surely you don't think Posh alone causes a celebri-spiral, do you? Now with the soccer-playing hubby, maybe. But on her own, what exactly does this woman do to garner acclaim, or even attention?

Posh Spice is in the news today because she's:

1) Still skinny, scary, and fake-tanned, but now newly blond;

2) Househunting, with her move to Los Angeles fodder for a new reality TV show;

3) Having a celebri-spiral of her very own, according to her first LA interview in UK's The Mirror.

Not known for my Spice Support, or unquestioning love of celebrities who are famous just for being famous, I am tossing a lifeline to Posh-ter on this one. I don't blame her. Here's the scoop:

Posh, 32, who has a £7.5million deal to design her own collection of shoes and handbags, also reveals she has to work hard to stay a fashion icon.

Victoria reveals: "When I get on a plane the first thing I do is put on old pajamas."But the other day I was on a flight sitting next to Tom Ford."

I told him that I was going to take all my glam gear off and he said, 'You shouldn't'.

I thought he was joking and was getting ready to change when he said, 'No, you really shouldn't'.

"I was so intimidated I had to sit on this 11-hour flight in tight, uncomfortable clothes."

Finally, she's shown some sense. If Tom Ford told me to sit down, sit still in my tight clothes, and Shut the F*** Up for a flight, I'd probably do it, too. He's definitely celebri-spiral worthy.

February 28, 2007: Stop the Celebri-spiral Presses! Amanda and Peter Together In Real Life?

2007-02-28T14:44:00.000-08:00

Award show season is over, but not before it's leaves us with this Tsunami of a celebrity rumor. Jack Wagner and Heather Locklear, who played lovers in Melrose Place, may be dating, according to a new report. Here's the scoop:

Heather Locklear and her former Melrose Place co-star Jack Wagner shocked guests at the Beverly Hills Hotel when they showed up holding hands for an Oscar party. Locklear, 45, and Wagner, 47, both appeared on the hit drama in the 1990s and have apparently kept in touch since the series ended. The new celebrity couple made their debut together at Dreamworks chief Jeffrey Katzenberg's The Night Before Party on Saturday.

It pains to me admit how much I like Melrose Place. I want this rumor to be true so bad for reasons I don't fully understand. Do you remember the MP finale when Amanda and Peter faked their own deaths, married on a tropical isle, and headed off into the sunset? What can I say? Is art meeting life at the intersection of Celebrity and Rerun? Is the book title wrong? Maybe love is like an 80s song.

Amanda Woodward belonged with Peter Burns, not with mean mobster Jack Parezi, sexy but insecure Jake, or slow-eyed Kyle. Peter Burns deserved better than crazy Kim, sassy Sydney, or Taylor, the big-lipped stalker who grated with her standard refrain "but baaaaabbbyyyy."

To quote from Jack Wagner's 80s sugary pop hit "All I Need," which I now think he sang with unrequited lust for Heather:

Yes it's true we've all been hurt before
But it doesn't seem to matter anymore
It may be a chance we're taking
But it always comes to this
If this isn't love we're making
Then I don't know what it is
All I need is just a little more time
To be sure what I feel
Is it all in my mind?
Cause it seems so hard to believe
That you're all I need

Romance is alive, people! It's never too late. Hope is a renewable resource. Love is not the weapon of mass destruction that we've been led to believe. Get out there! Find your costar from the 90s and maybe that's all YOU need. Celebrate good times, c'mon!

February 27, 2007: Favorite Oscar Moment

2007-02-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

This was my favorite mini-moment at the Oscars. So fun to see the celebs relaxed and playful and not so scripted.

February 26, 2007: And the winners are...Lesbians, Queens, Divas, Dictators, Foreigners, and Al Gore

2007-02-26T07:59:00.000-08:00

Lesbians, Queens, Divas, Dictators, Foreigners, and Al Gore...was it the Oscars or the next Democratic Convention?

When Melissa Etheridge won best song for her "I Need to Wake Up," from An Inconvenient Truth, I was on my 2nd Red Bull of the evening. I agreed with her, and, in fact, want her to do an entire CD about inconvenience. Include truth, rage, friendships, love affairs, celebri-spirals-all inconvenient at times. But I concur with her song, not just about

America

's need to respond to the looming global warming crisis. I need to wake up from celebrity pop culture.

Oscar night 2007. I was conflicted, occasionally investing higher emotions in environmentalism, the fact that an out Lesbian hosted, and sending good vibes to the celebrities I admire. But mostly, I fought the feeling that I've moved on from the unabashed excitement and vicarious spotlight the show once provided. Of course, it's not completely gone. I loved small moments that made stars seem real and "relatable," like Spielberg snapping a photo of Ellen with Clint. Wow, Steven is a real person, who laughs at silly things and knows how to work a digicam. But then I felt like a moron for thinking obvious things like that.

I knew that Cathleen was watching alone at home in New York, and we had plans to text and post live commentary on a Google blog she set up. I knew, too, that our pop culture email group was home watching, ready to send quips at a moment's notice.

Thank God for TIVO, which let me zip through the Red Carpet pre-show at time warp speed. It's an insufferable, sycophantic parade. I watch to see the expressions on stars' faces and hear what they say. I'm tired of pretending that I care what they're wearing, unless it's Cher in a unitard or Bjork dressed like a goose. Occasionally, Beyonce and Helen Mirren caught my eye with their sauntering style, and I noticed Clive Owen and Will Smith looking sharp in their tuxedos.

But mostly, I fast forwarded, especially after Joan Rivers kicked the two-hour ego-a-thon off with a tribute to herself for inventing the red carpet as we know it, much like Al Gore claimed to invent the Internet. You're no Marie Curie, Joan. You are so botoxed, you can hardly squeeze out a few jokes and the five-minute riff on tacky Anna Nicole Smith "jokes" (can't believe you went there) are flatter than your original chest.

My bullshit detector goes off on Cameron Diaz as she’s interviewed. She seems scripted and wants to make it clear why she's there since she wasn't nominated for anything. If you are not nominated, don’t spend thirty minutes talking about how these awards are all about supporting the community. Yeah, they are..when you’re not nominated. As Alan Arkin said, "Losing builds character. Anyone can win.” But I suppose that’s only comforting for nominees. She’s trying way too hard and kicking off my schadenfreude gene. I’m thinking that I’d say the same thing if in her position and that makes it worse. I wouldn’t leave that red carpet until I was 100% sure that every media outlet knew how gracious, selfless, and full of good cheer I was.

I’ll leave the fashion commentary to the fugly girls. No one does it better than them.

Instead, I’m focused on the top ten moments (I love top 10 lists. Read my Grammy Award Top 10 Lessons from 2007) that made me choked up, moved, disgusted. In other words, here’s what made me celebri-spiral during the endless Oscar-thon:

International worldwide talent excites me, but I can't understand what anyone is saying. What's next: subtitles? When Penelope Cruz, Catherine Devenuve, Ken Watanabe and all those Pan Labyrinth winners speak, I feel like Archie Bunker, talking back to the television. Speak English. Bitter Pan’s Labyrinth envy makes me think things like, “those people come here and steal our jobs. Put up a border.” Dave, Dave, Dave. Talent always finds room. Increase the overall pie. Don’t gripe about the size of your slice.
Hearing Ellen, dressed in a series of fancy pants suits and what look like sneakers, comment that “Without blacks, gays, and Jews, there’d be no Oscars,” is a seminal moment. When I was a kid, at first unaware, then later, hiding my gay identity, I projected a lot onto the Oscars. It was a three-hour immersion into glamor, excitement and vicarious overwhelming acceptance, at a time when I had none. But it was all mysterious, unspoken connection. Now, here is Ellen just literally coming out with it. No more closet. No more secret society of gay people. No more need to escape my current environment to immerse in the Oscars?
My entire body recoils when Gwyneth Paltrow struts out on stage as if she’s queen of the world. She slinks, struts, and looks down on the rest of us. Sharon Stone once remarked (paraphrase), “I don’t see how that girl breathes in all that rarefied air she stays in.” Recoil # 2: cuts to her in the audience, looking sullen and spoiled. It's irritating that Gwyneth wants to show us she can speak Spanish, to go with her new Brit accent. I’m clearly having some sort of issue with her this year. But I can’t help it.
My heart swells when Al Gore wins. Seeing Al and Tipper makes me want to turn back time and put them in the White House. I met Tipper during the campaigns and just loved her. Al deserves every bit of good he gets out of his newfound brand leadership of global warming. New rule of Oscar: don’t let Al Gore see you in anything less than a Hybrid, even though (shush), most of them don’t save you a gallon of gas unless you drive a Humvee. Along with everyone else in the room, my attempts at celebri-detachment fail. I am in love with Al Gore tonight.
By the time Jodie Foster leads the dead people tribute, I want to die, too. It’s almost midnight and the red bull has worn off. But I am intrigued by her almost-choked up (it's Jodie. She's not going there; not for Hinckley, not for America, not for you) reference to losing her friend Randy Stone, the producer. I immediately Google to find out that he died suddenly of heart failure at age 48. Hmmm. Married to Barbra Streisand’s sister Roslyn for two years in the 80s. Friend of Jodie. Founder of the brilliant Trevor Project, which I support. Now I am really curious. I hardly give a look to passing images of Jane Wyatt and Peter Boyle.
Seeing Jackie Earle Haley, former child star of The Bad News Bears, freaks me out. He’s my age and I remember being a kid thinking he was cool. His performance as a pedophile in Little Children was brilliant, scary, and oddly moving. But he’s creepy looking. He’s had a long road. It’s a wistful feeling, like seeing a childhood friend who you know just isn’t the same person anymore.
Alan Arkin wins, proving that the old man always has the best shot as Supporting Actor. But my father died earlier this year, so it’s hard to watch his acceptance speech without wishing my Dad had been as funny, porno-watching-overly-earthy, and full of heart as Alan's "Dad" in Little Miss Sunshine. Poor me, dad never trained me for a beauty pageant, shared his porn, or drove me cross country in a VW bus. Oscar shares my pain.
Lesbian intrigue abounds. Ellen, of course, with shots of her mom and girlfriend Porta de Rossi. Melissa thanking her wife Tammi. Jodie Foster, queen of the quiet power lesbians. During the costume awards, I can't help but wonder about Lesbian rumors dogging Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway. Then the winner is announced and my inner dialogue starts (Oh my God, Edith Head lives!!! But she's foreign. At least she's definitely a mannish lesbian. But no, she thanks her husband. I am so confused.) After you think there can be no more lesbians, two more strut out, John Travolta and Queen Latifah. You're the one that I want, indeed.
Sherry Lansing getting the Jean Hersholt Award elicits reluctant admiration. She comes off as Superwoman. But it’s so calculated. So planned. So lacking in any real emotion, from Tom Cruise’s intro, to the film of her good works to her speech. As she walked off the stage, I felt guilty. I really need to volunteer more.
I see dead grandmothers. I see them everywhere. Only they don't know they're dead. I feel like I am onto Jennifer Hudson, who thanked her dead grandmother. When it doubt, steal Jamie Foxx’s speech. I want to tell her to stop faking surprise. You have won 23 awards. It may be a blessing (favorite word # 1), but it’s not a surprise (favorite word # 2). I don't buy her ingenuity anymore. Watching her sing Beyonce's song Listen made me defensive of Beyonce/Deena; it was like seeing parallel universe Effie White as perpetrator, not victim. I wanted to hear Beyonce scream, "Listen, my ass. I. Am. Irreplaceable. And. You. Don't. Know. About. Me."

February 25, 2007: Gimme My Damn Oscar!

2007-02-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

While everyone else in Hollywood is getting corseted, spray tanned, and bejeweled, you just know that Martin Scorcese, the Susan Lucci of Oscars, is pacing, cigarette in hand, arms waving, talking to some "suit." That cigarette is not his first of the day.

Give him his damn Oscar. End the long national tragedy.

He's been nominated five times previously for best director. But like La Lucci, he's been the bridesmaid who missed the bouquet more than once. This year's nom is for the (surprise) violent movie "The Departed." His first nomination in 1980 was for the "Raging Bull," which really should have delivered the gold. Other directing nominations included "The Last Temptation of Christ,""Goodfellas,""Gangs of New York" and "The Aviator." Notably, he was not nominated for 1977's "New York, New York," arguably his most violent film of all, especially when Robert De Niro whacks pregnant Liza Minnelli in the back of a cab, forcing her into labor, amid much cursing and Liza-shrieks. Could 2007 be the year we right this wrong and give this man his due? But first, why do I care?

While I am getting ready for a night of vicarious...something, I am thinking about why people love the Oscars so much, trying to understand why we project our hopes and dreams onto this one night, this one award.

The attention we never got, recompensed by five minutes at a podium? The applause for a job well done? The glamor and pageantry focused on you? Being made a fuss over? Looking and sounding sharp? Being envied (Hello Trim Spa ad)? Doing something the world considers so very meaningful, at least for that night, when they show their dramatic appreciation for your art? Some combination of the above?

Tonight I am watching alone to just enjoy the full "vicarious thrill" experience, which gets muted at Oscar parties or with other people.

February 23, 2007: Happy Birthday Drew Barrymore, Child Star Survivor

2007-02-24T07:27:00.000-08:00

Drew Barrymore turns 32. Doesn't it seem like it should be 132? When was she not in the picture?

From the cute little girl in ET to crazed, wild 12-year-old (Dakota Fanning, are you watching?) to ingenue to mogul to future travel writer. Go Drew. You are making me have a celebri-spiral, because I am buying into what you say, though I know it's all spin, spin, spin. But you have great timing.

This week, while celebrity culture lost its mind, you went to Hawaii with your friends to celebrate, and laughed as paparazzi chased you through LAX. You didn't care. Whatever. Peace out, bitches, I am going on vacay.

Occasionally, you get melodramatic, like during 9-11 when you repeatedly wailed that you didn't know how to do your job. Well, who did, sweetheart? But that's OK.

A celebrity who notices that there are other redeemable things to be in life. A famous person not throwing tantrums or behaving badly. An ex-rehabber who seems to have it together, and can maybe offer a little celebri-hope. That's worth a post.

Now, in your Jane interview, you thumb your nose at Hollywood and consider life, love, and what's really important. Some notable excerpts from mediawiredaily.com:

ON HER UNSTABLE FAMILY LIFE:
“I’ve got one wacky family…I understood early that we were not going to have stability. You just have to find your own way and not sit in sh-t and cry about what you think you don’t have. Get over it.”

ON HER FRIENDS:
“Beyond any [romantic] relationship I’ve ever had, my friends are the ones who have been consistent rocks in my life. They make me feel like everything will be okay.”

ON HER FATHER AND GROWING UP WITHOUT HIM…“My dad was a free bird and didn’t want to be a dad—he was gone from the start. Somehow I grasped that as a kid and didn’t hate him for it. I still don’t. I loved the way he was such a lover of things. I would visit him, and he’d talk about how when he went on his 4 a.m. walk, he could feel the blades of grass under his feet and could tell which ones were broken. When he said that, it brought up an emotion of, ‘I’m just glad there’s someone in the world like this—a real free spirit.’ Even though he was a hippie, he was a fuckin’ rascal. I like that combination because I can only take peace and meditation for so long. I want a little bit of mischievousness.”

ON STAYING ACTIVE…“I’m such a workaholic and so fucking on fire all the time, it bewilders the shit out of me…If you’re interested in something, you have to act on it. When you get ideas, don’t just let them be fleeting thoughts that flow into the universe, so that later you look back and think, ‘God, I wish I had done something about that.’ Just go for it and never be afraid.”

ON HER MOTHER…“I think my mom is a good person. Maybe we haven’t had a traditional relationship, but as I get older, I’m able to enjoy her more, because I’m not looking at her as a mom but more as a friend.”

ON HAVING A FAMILY AND GETTING OLD…“I would definitely like to have a family one day. I don’t know when or with who, but I don’t picture myself alone and bitter…When I get old, I am not going to be wearing polyester pants. I’m going to wear old Levi’s and Birkenstocks. And hopefully I’ll have enough hair to wear braids.”

ON POLITICS…“I wasn’t raised in a household that talked about politics…I’m a Democrat and a liberal but I will vote Republican if I think it’s for the better candidate. There are Republicans out there I really respect.”

ON WHAT SHE WANTS HER KIDS TO BE LIKE…“I would love for them to become adults who have a positive effect whether that’s through kindness or if they are scientists or humanitarians or entertainers … if they give something back. The last thing I want is a selfish child.”

Sexy yet sane. I relate to what she says. She was never high on my must-see list, but she just went up a notch. Now if my non-celebrity friends said the same smart things, just not in a magazine, would I give them the same credit?

February 22, 2007: Hung Over After a Week of Toxic Pop Culture

2007-02-23T15:26:00.000-08:00

After this week of sad, bald, and crazy Britney "The Hulk" wielding an umbrella on a paparazzi SUV, Anna Nicole's decaying dead body starring in a week-long courtroom farce that was cheesier than her reality show, and Hillary vs. Oback embracing the politics of personal destruction by slugging it out in Hollywood a year before primary, I feel nauseated, hung over, exhausted and dirty, like I just got back from a week in Vegas. And yet, I cannot resist this one last video.

OK, but now I am done. It's a celebri-spiral hangover, akin to stumbling home at dawn down the blinding neon strip of tawdriness, trailed by bags of broken Vodka mini bottles, puffs of stale smoke steaming out of my tattered clothes, and a trio of hookers in ripped fishnets asking me for more money.

Now I just want some peace. I think I'm going to read Dickens tonight. Then of course, Sunday is the Oscars. So I better get my emotional stylist in gear and start a celebrity culture attitude makeover pronto - at least by Saturday night - if I am going to be ready for Joan, Melissa, Ellen, and the awards by 6 P.M. ET Sunday.

February 22, 2007: American Idol-The Bitter Climb to the Top Begins

2007-02-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

"Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world. Because there's nothing the world loves better than the taste of really sweet dreams."

I'm thinking of American Idol tonight as we get to know the top 24, then watch the unchosen (note the choice of word. No one is a loser in America if 45 million people see you do..well, anything) skulk off one by one. How innocent they all look right now in their press pictures.

This post is dedicated to them and to everyone vying for fame and fortune. Think not of what they'll do to reach those two elusive goals. Dwell not on the personal lives they'll leverage, and the grand, increasingly creepy tradition of media barter, as they claw for the brass ring. Factor in no odds, because odds are not with them, as Simon duly and fairly notes.

I hope they stay focused on what they want to say, sing, write, and create. It's a hard road and often confusing for the masses who equate fame for fame's sake and artistic contributions to culture, two very different beasts. But maybe it's good to have a sense of humor about these things. Thus, my contribution is an ode to bitterness from despair.com; it's for critics who make a career out of eviscerating artists and for artists who endeavor to create despite critical evisceration.