PASD is the clinical acronym for Post Awards Show Depression. Most celebri-spiralers are afflicted with this syndrome in early March, once the Golden Globes, Grammy, Screen Actors Guild, People's Choice, Nickelodeon, Independent Spirit, NAACP Image, and Academy Awards have dressed you up as the vicarious star that you are, escorted you down your emotional rep carpet, and then dumped you in the street.
So long, red carpet. Hasta la vista, baby.
I admit it. I have "Awards Show" on my TIVO wish list. I've been clicking it every week since last November, usually unearthing at least one ceremony per week. But once the end of February rolled around, I found nothing but sports shows. Did you know that there are approximately 45,000 soccer awards programs throughout the world? F***ing Direct TV covers them all. But this does me no good.
Maybe you are experiencing symptoms of PASD, too? Take this simple True or False test and find out:
1. Do you wake up in a cold sweat thinking that Helen Mirren didn't win something? Are you haunted by nightmare images of Penelope Cruz strutting to a podium, arms outstretched for her prize, as Salma Hayek, in the bleacher seats, jumps up and down screaming like that hysterical lady in Babel?
2. Do you wander Fred Segal for hours, buying Nicole Richie hand-me-downs, chatting with Winona Ryder about nothing, then skulking off to eat the fat-free banana cake at Urth Caffe on Melrose Avenue, in between trips to your dermatologist and stylist, who will no longer see you? Do people look at you strangely as you wonder aloud, "What day is it? How long ago did Borat give that funny Golden Globes speech? Is Eddie Murphy still upset? What is Joan Rivers getting lifted or tucked now, and when can I see?"
3. In the middle of the night, do you randomly call the Milan office of Lagerfeld, yelling into the answering machine, "Karl said I could keep it! It was a gift! You are not getting it back."
4. When buying coffee at Starbucks, or purchasing bottled water at Rite Aid, do you clutch your drink at chest height, look the clerk in the eye, and over-enunciate the words, "Thank you. I really didn't think I was going to win."
5. Are you listless, tired, restless, and out of sorts? And not just because rehab lock downs and jail threats have spared us from Britney, Lindsay and Paris wreaking more havoc?
If you answered yes to 3 or more out of the 5, chances are you are experiencing PASD. So do what I do.
Get out your yoga mat, assume the down dog position, and breathe in your biggest Kundalini Breath of Fire as you repeat the mantra "Em-my, Em-my, Em-my." It's all about the Emmy's now. Don't give up hope. They're scheduled for Sunday September 16, 2007.
In the meantime, if you can't wait that long, check out The Stupidity Awards. That should tide you over for now. One day at a time.